Sexual fetishes ranked by their gag-inducing grossness

20th February 2023

WHEN you’re sharing your sexual fantasies with your lover, everything open, no judgement, you instinctively know: not that one.

There’s always at least one fetish that you’re only revealing to Google in an incognito window, even though it’s a normal part of being a fucked-up mess of a human being who shouldn’t be getting off to that but is anyway.

How high does your nasty little secret rank in the annals of sexual grossness?

Impact play

Spanking, flogging, whipping, paddling, thwacking your husband in the face with a live haddock; anything goes when it comes to impact play. Fifty Shades has made this kind of fetish boringly mainstream. Still difficult explaining the stripes on your arse when you’re in the pool for your five-year-old’s swimming lesson, though.

Feet

A bit of toe sucking, or indeed fucking, is vanilla in the grand scheme of fetishes. And it’s not a bad one to be on the receiving end of as you’ll get bought shoes and can put your feet up on your boyfriend’s dick while watching Homes Under The Hammer. Watch out for him in flip-flop season, however, the filthy beast.

Spectrophilia

Or banging ghosts, as it’s not more commonly known. If your girlfriend’s into this you may not give a shit. Who cares if she claims she’s getting teabagged by Thomas Cromwell? Perhaps ask her to invite a few hot phantasmal friends around for an ectoplasmic orgy? At least it’s not necrophilia: the undead are far more palatable fuckbuddies than the dead.

Agalmatophilia

A genuine fetish, which makes museum visits complicated and means you find your girlfriend alone in National Trust properties after sundown, down by the fountains, enjoying coitus with The Right Honorable Earl Howe, 1726-1799. Though anyone who’s seen Michaelangelo’s David will be aware that godlike men can be disappointing in the dick department.

Piss play

Who’s washing the sheets in households where this goes on? Who’s mopping the bathroom floor? Does the odour not linger? Then again, anyone with pets has likely coped with worse and didn’t get an orgasm out of it. Brave enough to admit this is your thing? Expect relationships to be curtailed early.

Insects

Yeah. They’re hot for someone. Next time your boyfriend offers to help get a spider out of the bathroom, watch his crotch for arousal. If he suggests inviting ants into the bedroom or pops a cockroach in his butt crack during foreplay, decide whether you’re up for this. And decide no.

Adult baby

This is a whole truckload of unpleasantness to bring to a relationship. Bad enough he’s doing the baby thing, but inevitably he’s filling his nappy and the rational response is ‘fuck that’. Even if he’s the actual Brad Pitt, sucking on a dummy and shitting his pants in a $40m Los Feliz house, fuck that.

No fetishes whatsoever

The most suspicious fetish of all is a complete absence of declared fetishes. If your partner claims they have no kinks to share, what are they hiding? It must be so repulsive and twisted that it cannot even be spoken of.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

19th February 2023

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

We’ve lost the connection with where our food comes from. Children should be made to visit the Pringles factory and hand-fill the tubes.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Learning a Scottish politician’s name is like getting a Scottish banknote in your change. It doesn’t happen much, you wish it happened less and it usually leads to an argument with a taxi driver.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You fancy a new piercing. How about piercing your neighbour who won’t stop playing Ed Sheeran through the sternum with a halberd?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Free toasties for anyone who reads this horoscope and calls the number 555-000-3355 within the next five minutes.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Avoid the embarrassment of your teenage email address by changing your name to datpussyluva69.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

S-Club 7 had to reunite, they were touring in smaller and smaller units. S-Club .75 were playing Butlins in March and S-Club Three-Eighths were booked on oil rigs.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Greggs have released a seasonal Ennui Bake capturing the feeling of late winter in Britain. It has a grey, cold filling and lasts for days and days and days. £1.99.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Fair play to Banksy, that’s a cracking cock and balls he’s done round the back of the rec centre.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’ve got a better bum than that Kim Kardashian. Or you assume you do. It’s behind you so you’ve never had the opportunity to check.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

It’s time for the British judicidal system to join the 21st century. Let’s replace judges’ outdated horsehair wigs with ones that look like Phil Foden’s haircut.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

You’re excellent at Tetris but terrible at sex, because genitals aren’t regular right-angled shapes.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You shouldn’t stare at pile-ups on the opposite side of the motorway. You should respectfully close your eyes.