There’s no better way to impress a lady than a romantic meal for two. Unless they’re sadistically playing with your feelings like a cat toys with a mouse, before ripping your heart out like some evil succubus from Hell.
But that might not happen so here are some of my favourite recipes for when love is in the air.
Fillet steak and thick chips with chilli butter
Fry the steak for no more than 3¼ minutes for medium rare, serve with chilli butter for something slightly different, and any date will be impressed. Unless they’re just leading you on, eh, Rachel? If you want a free meal, go to a fucking food bank. Or get a sugar daddy. I’ve never understood that set-up. Do you have to fuck them? That would never do.
Tagliatelle with chicken meatballs
With a ragu or homemade pesto, chicken meatballs make a wonderful change from beef or pork. Or if you’re an unadventurous peasant – not naming any names, but it’s obviously you, Clare – you might instead go, ‘Eurgh – chicken meatballs? That’s just WEIRD!’
No, Clare, finding an alien in your loft is weird. Chicken and the concept of meatballs really aren’t weird at all. I guess I dodged a bullet with Clare, but that’s cold comfort when you’re sitting alone on the sofa at midnight, wanking and eating cold chicken balls.
Warm lobster and potato salad with truffled mayonnaise
There’s a fair bit of preparation involved – be prepared to make mayonnaise from scratch, make sure you have truffle oil and learn how to remove the meat from a lobster. It’s all of Saturday, really, and when you’ve basically put in six hours of unpaid work, that’s the perfect moment to say ‘I like you as a friend, Colin’, isn’t it, Suzanne? For fuck’s sake.
Oysters with lemon and tabasco
The pinnacle of romantic food. You don’t get much better than this simple yet sophisticated classic, unless your name is Caitlin and you squeal in horror like a fucking idiot and refuse to even try them because they’re ‘slimy’ and ‘disgusting’. Jesus wept. I bet you’re not so prissy with that arsehole Gavin you’re seeing now, not that I imagine you having sex or anything. No. I’ve definitely never done that.
Spaghetti with creamy mushroom sauce
A tasty but safe choice of food you really can’t go wrong with. Shame about the rest of the evening. Just for the record, Eva, I did NOT say there’d be other people there, and it is NOT ‘hilarious’ that I might be romantically interested in you. Why stop there? Why not cut off my balls and make me wear a red nose and giant shoes, since you already think I’m Colin the Eunuch Clown?
Bovril on toast
If you’re going to get your cod mornay thrown back in your face without so much as a snog, cut your losses and serve cheap white bread with a viscous layer of concentrated boiled cow. It’s laughable when you think about it, making pan-fried sea bass with a perfectly balanced lemon and chili dressing when our evolutionary mission is simply to mate and breed like beasts.
No, I’m not going through this ridiculous charade of cooking veal Milanese for ‘dates’ anymore. I’m going to become a lonely, bitter, masturbating hermit and keep my dignity intact.