How To Dress Like A… sunburnt English dickhead who cannot handle heat

WHEN Britain’s hot Britons aren’t, because the inhabitants of this island have zero clue what styles to stretch over sunburn. Spray these on: 

Unbuttoned shirt

Short on body confidence but long on sweat? Let it flap, baby. Throw on a short-sleeved short from Primark and neglect to button. In this burning breeze it’ll be fluttering like a cape, providing tantalising glimpses of your crimson sweat-slick torso. By the end of the day? No more than sexy post climate-apocalypse rags.

Cargo shorts

A wardrobe staple for every man balancing the lessened masculinity of exposed flesh with a surfeit of bulky pockets: all the dick-swinging charisma of Batman’s utility belt on your thighs. Cool? Hell no. Keep you cool? Hell-hot. So chunky they don’t show up your sweating bollocks? Yes yes yes. Go FatFace for a cut that’s exquisitely dickless.

Plastic sliders

Woven? Leather? Made by someone paid a living wage? Not when you’re only wearing them three weeks a year, dudebro. Instead slide into a slab of foam and an arch of artificial fabric cranked out by machine, and skate across the pavement like you’re in slippers and are just realising how tough it is to cover serious ground in joke shoes.

Bucket hat

The 90s never ended, the bucket hat never went out of fashion, the Stone Roses never let anyone down with a second album. The Second Summer of Love is still on so dress for it. Wedge your head into one of these and there’s no need to apply sunblock like children and girls do. You’ve settled the issue, man-style.

Sunglasses from Superdrug

Ray-Bans? In this climate stroke economy? Spunking hundreds on tinted glass isn’t reading the room. Go native and blend in with the dadboderati with a pair of snatched-up £6 sunglasses from the rotating display by Superdrug’s tills. Break them by sitting on them? Switch up your look by buying more.

Accessorise with beer

Only mad dogs and Englishmen get twatted in the midday sun, and you’re both. Keep hydrated and make your drip look on fleek by swigging a can of Amstel at all times. For the full look, dangle the three cans you’re not drinking in a blue translucent off-licence bag. Discard on the pavement: it’s a heatwave, not a neatwave, you can’t be expected to use a fucking bin.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

This heat is truly unbearable. Thank God you’re on holiday in Portugal next week.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Weird that going to the office is described as the ‘rat race’ because an actual rat race would be far more entertaining.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Images from the James Webb Space Telescope mean we can now provide a horoscope from 16.2 billion years ago. And it’s ‘A chance encounter could lead to financial success, but beware of false promises.’

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

A bird in the hand is worth two on Tinder.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

In the critically-panned Welsh remake of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Nerys Bueller takes the day off to pull a wheeled suitcase round Llandrindod Wells.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Did Viking nans have little commemorative plates of King Harald up on their walls?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

A misunderstanding leads you to go crabbing off Weymouth seafront by dangling your genitals in the sea, with fantastic results.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Those hooks at the side of swimming baths are to pull kids off when the crowd is jeering.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It’s lucky Tamagotchis scream at a level inaudible to humans, because they’re in constant agony.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Town names that have ‘cum’ in the middle are home to aristocratic sex rings. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

It would be cool if all shoes were named after the sound they make, like flip-flops. Boots would be called clumps or schlorps. High heels would be tick-ticks. Tap shoes would be unchanged.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Maybelline’s latest lipstick shade – Open Offal Wagon – hasn’t sold as well as you’d expect.