EVERY week, we ask a celebrity to imagine how they would live life as Paul Chuckle, aged 74, of Rotherham. Top Gun star Tom Cruise has a go:
What’s your morning routine as Paul Chuckle?
I would go at being Paul Chuckle as hard as I possibly can. The guy’s a Northern England comedian, right? Moustachioed? I can grow that moustache in an hour if I concentrate. Real, not CGI. Then I’d go downstairs and through a serious of hilarious misunderstandings eat 18 guava halves.
Plans for lunch?
Before Chucklevision there were the Chuckle Hounds. Same brothers but in dog suits, slapstick action, synthesiser soundtrack. 1980s. Nostalgia gold. We bring that back. I’m Paul Chuckle, Simon Pegg’s Barry Chuckle, we do a $200m standalone sequel that brings in $800 million. No dialogue. Huge in international markets.
How would you spend your afternoon?
Paul Chuckle meets students now, you got that? He meets students. The UK’s nothing. I can meet all the students in a single afternoon, every damn one, just meeting and being genuine and humbled and grateful and Hollywood’s last true star, the real thing, Paul Chuckle. Then I do the routine where I borrow a fiver with 330,000 of them.
And for the evening?
Huge on social media. Making TikTok happen. Nine million people around the globe simultaneously doing ‘To me – to you’. Pantomime. Cologne commercials. A brokered marriage. Running a window-cleaning business with my brother. Comedy ensues with a ladder. I do the stunts myself and break both legs.
Final ruminations on your day?
I’ll never be as Paul Chuckle as Paul Chuckle. Maybe I don’t have what it takes to be Paul Chuckle. This is like Jack goddamn Reacher all over again. Why did the shorter one have to die? I need you to sign this NDA.