Aries, March 21st–April 19th
The thing is about getting a summer cold is it’s really difficult to appreciate the irony.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You can take a seahorse to water, and in fact you probably should. Cruel to leave them out in the sun like that.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Fool me once, fuck you.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Your career as a conductor was shortlived after you refused to face the music.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
We should send a man to the moon and leave him there. See what happens. We haven’t done that.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Do androids dream of electric sheep? Do robots have nightmares about turning up to their robot exams naked, not having revised a single topic?
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
It is kind of a shit job, leader of the opposition. Just stand there slagging off the boss and acting incredibly ready to have his job. You wouldn’t be popular if you did that in an office.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
‘Who cares?’ you respond, to a tweet about a Kardashian. You feel on top of the world. You really showed them.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
The dunce cap and wizard’s hat are both conical. So does conical signify stupid or wise? One of them needs to change.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
You know how your house smells weird when you come back from holiday? That’s because strangers have been in there, licking your stuff, fucking in your bed.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Rappers have such stupid names these days. Not like before when they were called things like Wee Papa Girl Rappers, MC Shy D and The Nonce.
