Let's move somewhere the locals make no secret of wanting you dead! This week: Penzance

What’s it about?

The hometown of the man who discovered nitrous oxide is also home to locals who want you slaughtered if you were born north of the river Tamar.

Boasting the poorest neighbourhood in Cornwall, Penzance is known for the pirate-themed Gilbert and Sullivan musical which treats stealing as a viable professional career path. A lesson many residents appear to have taken to heart.

Any good points?

It’s by the sea. Apart from that, there’s the Wharfside Shopping Centre is the closest thing you’ll find to modern civilisation in Penzance. Once home to cutting edge attractions like MVC and Electronics Boutique, these days it’s fallen into disrepair and only boasts those cultural staples Costa and Iceland.

If you want a heart attack in your late 30s then you’re never more than two metres away from a Warrens bakery, or if you’re feeling upmarket you can always swing by Rowes for a fancy hand-crimped pastie.

Penzance also boasts an Egyptian house, the Penlee Gallery and the tropical Morrab Gardens, which all pale in comparison to Jim’s Cash and Carry on Causewayhead. Here you can pick up a Harris tile scraper for £1.35, which is even cheaper than Trago.

Wonderful landscape?

From Penzance you can see the still, glistening waters of Mounts Bay, which provide a stunning natural backdrop to the town. That’s unless you’re visiting during the winter, in which case the bay’s trying to move inland and smash up homes and businesses in the process. Kind of like a Londoner.

Thanks Penzance’s uniquely warm climate, caused by warm air and the Gulf Stream, there’s stunning foliage to be seen at the Tremenheere Sculpture Gardens. But, like everything in Cornwall except the wages of the locals, it’s not cheap. If you’re strapped for cash like everyone who’s not a celebrity f**king chef, save money by visiting it on Google Images.

Hang out at…

Are you a Northerner who believes Southerners to be soft, or an Essex lad who thinks himself harder than any piskie-fancying twat? Then challenge your prejudices by strolling into the Star Inn and making unreasonable demands such as a pint or the whereabouts of the toilets.

Once you’ve retrieved your teeth from the floor, head on down to Battery Rocks. Here, the ice-cold sea water will numb you to the agony of climbing over jagged rocks as you go for a relaxing swim. Sure, there might be a stylish Art Deco lido literally right next to you, but why pay for the Jubilee Pool when there’s sub-zero misery for free?

Where to buy?

If you’re from Cornwall, take your pick from the properties which are all out of your price range thanks to Londoners buying second homes and fucking up the housing market.

Look out for a family friend’s beloved home being punted as an ideal holiday rental. Feel your soul die a little. So what if you grew up here? Wave goodbye to your friends and family just so you can get on the property ladder by moving to Pendle.

From the northern hinterlands beyond the Tamar? In that case you might be able to afford one of the town’s shittier gentrified fisherman’s cottages, from which you will be hounded out by locals. They filmed Straw Dogs here, you know.

From the streets:

Wayne Hayes, aged 86, former lobster trap weaver: [indecipherable grunts with a Cornish twang]

Mary Fisher, 32, moved down from London: “I was inspired to move here after watching Bait and it’s just like the film. They really are hostile to your very existence! Everything’s not in 16mm monochrome though, which is a bit of a disappointment.”

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Mash Blind Date: 'It's only a problem if we have children' says a man on a date with his cousin

WILL family-oriented Tom hit it off with homebody Joanna, who he has so much in common with that they even share grandparents?

Tom on Joanna

First impression?

From a distance, I thought, ‘Blimey, she looks like my cousin Jo. That might be weird.’ Until I reached our table and realised it was definitely my cousin Jo.

How was the conversation?

After the initial awkwardness of us being related, we had a little catch-up. How my mum is, how her mum is, whether Uncle Graham had enjoyed himself on holiday in Sardinia. Normal cousin stuff. Also she did one of those DNA tests and found she has a genetic predisposition to gout, so I should watch out for that.

Memorable moments?

After a few glasses of Cab Sav, when we Googled whether all this was illegal. It’s not. What the fuck?

Favourite thing about Joanna?

I didn’t feel nervous, because we’ve both seen each other naked when we used to play in the garden as children. That being said, I was definitely more weirded out than she was. She wasn’t weirded out enough about the whole thing, and that weirded me out even more.

A capsule description?

She’s quite tall, like most of the women on that side of the family. I’d say she was objectively pretty. Like, if she wasn’t my cousin, obviously, I’d say she was gorgeous.

Was there a spark?

We certainly have a lot in common. We always got on as kids so I wasn’t surprised, but she’s a really great woman, you know? And I mean, the first cousin thing is only really a problem if we have children, isn’t it?

What happened afterwards?

I walked her to the bus stop. Nothing happened.

What would you change about the evening?

If you’d have asked me at the beginning of the night I’d have definitely said ‘her not be my cousin’, but the only thing I think I’d change now is not ordering the garlic prawns. No particular reason.

Will you see each other again?

Cousin Deborah, Jo’s sister, is getting married in August so I imagine she’ll be there. We’ll probably have a real laugh about this, and a few drinks, and stay up late into the night until everyone else is asleep, lying out on the lawn, under the stars.

Joanna on Tom

First impression?

I thought Granny had had a fall or something. Why else would my cousin have turned up to the restaurant where I’d gone for a blind date?

How was the conversation?

Dull. I’d forgotten how boring that side of the family is. My other cousins are all much more fun. One of them was even on The Voice a few years ago. Tom’s worked at his dad’s printing company for over ten years and, believe me, you can tell.

Memorable moments?

After the starters came, Tom started Googling the laws on cousins marrying. It was funny for the first few minutes, but when he got into county bylaws I went to the toilet for 20 minutes. When I came back he’d eaten all my arancini. He gets that from my Grandad’s side of the family. No table manners and tight.

Favourite thing about Tom?

I didn’t feel like I had to impress him, or watch what I was eating. I could order the heaviest, most expensive stuff on the menu, knowing he was footing the bill. I was so bloated by the end. The flatulence lasted 48 hours straight.

A capsule description?

Normal height, normal build, slightly ginger hair from my Grandma’s side. He has big ears like my Uncle Graham.

Was there a spark?

No. Not with him. But I started scrolling Tinder at the table and matched with a nice guy who said he was at a bar just down the road. I tried to say I was going on there but he seemed so deflated I just lied and said I was going home.

What happened afterwards?

He insisted on walking me to the bus stop to ‘protect me’, even though he’s three months younger than me. When we got there, he said ‘Goodnight kiss?’ and tried to give me a peck. He texted after and said it was a joke.

What would you change about the evening?

Nothing. I got to catch up with my cousin and then got in a solid few drinks and a snog with someone who wasn’t my cousin.

Will you see each other again?

My sister is getting married in August, so yeah. But I’ll make sure we’re not on the same table.