UNFULFILLED divorcee Tom Booker has long lusted after Sophie Rodriguez, the hot barista he speaks to daily. She’s not keen. They’re on a date.
Tom on Sophie
First impression?
She looked even more stunning than I could ever have hoped, her youth and beauty just glowing out of her. I felt as proud to have her on my arm as I am when I get out of my F-Type Jag. With Sophie, I’m finally the man I was meant to be.
How was conversation?
Dragged at first. I’d assumed she’d want to talk about coffee, as that’s mainly what we’ve discussed in the past, but apparently it’s not a real interest. So she talked about being from Kosovo and art and some other stuff, I’m hazy on what. Then I told her about work for 50 minutes.
Memorable moments?
Just sitting opposite such a gorgeous vision, her skin so fresh and unlined, her bosoms so noticeably perky, a full 35 years younger than my ex-wife. I was lost in her eyes.
Favourite thing about Sophie?
Everything about her. Her innocence, her looks, basking in the envy of every other man there. Conversation-wise she doesn’t know a lot about financial instruments.
A capsule description?
A vision from heaven. But it’s weird that she’s so unknowledgeable about popular culture like Jaws or Radiohead or the 1999 total eclipse. I asked why she’d never seen The Wire she said ‘I think it was before I was born’ which was hilarious. It wasn’t, was it?
Was there a spark?
Certainly from my side it was incandescent. But now I think about it there were some long silences on hers, broken only by confusingly discouraging statements like ‘There isn’t any way we could ever be in a relationship.’ You’ll have to ask her!
What happened afterwards?
I was floating on air as I squired her to my vehicle, which she declined to get in and ordered an Uber. No, no kiss but I respect that. I wouldn’t want her being easy like the girls in porn.
What would you change about the evening?
I think Soph should learn more about adult interests because I got a me-me-me vibe when she was talking. That would be lovely and polite. Also not to object when I call her ‘Soph’.
Will you see each other again?
I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t want to. She’s the girl of my dreams.
Sophie on Tom
First impression?
Oh, it’s the dad from the coffeeshop. Why’s he here? I thought I was going on a date?
How was conversation?
Weird if I’m honest. He didn’t say much but was really starey. It was just awkward waiting for his son or grandson or whoever I was dating to turn up. He made some small talk about coffee, as he does, but I explained that’s just my job.
Memorable moments?
For me it was the moment when he ordered not just starters but main courses and champagne and I realised I was actually on a date with someone twice my age. Closer to three times my age than twice my age. I’ll always remember thinking ‘what the fucking fuck?’
Favourite thing about Tom?
He’s quite gentlemanly, in an old-fashioned sexist, borderline-misogynist way. Also the way he knew nothing and paid no attention to anything I was saying was remarkably freeing. I told him my dad was Tom Holland and he didn’t have a fucking clue.
A capsule description?
An old man with no interest in me or anything I say who’s decided I will complete his world.
Was there a spark?
I explained he was far too old for me, didn’t know me, and there was no prospect of a relationship. He replied ‘So we’re just going to see where this leads.’
What happened afterwards?
I went home, hooked up with a girl on Hinge and we did in two bags of coke watching Euphoria.
What would you change about the evening?
I hope this doesn’t hurt him. He seems like an okay guy. I hope he doesn’t in any way try to pursue this as if there were any possibility of a romantic connection.
Will you see each other again?
I will serve him a latte and avoid his gaze.
