Mash Blind Date: a 51-year-old and his 19-year-old sexy barista dream date who's frankly horrified

UNFULFILLED divorcee Tom Booker has long lusted after Sophie Rodriguez, the hot barista he speaks to daily. She’s not keen. They’re on a date. 

Tom on Sophie

First impression?

She looked even more stunning than I could ever have hoped, her youth and beauty just glowing out of her. I felt as proud to have her on my arm as I am when I get out of my F-Type Jag. With Sophie, I’m finally the man I was meant to be.

How was conversation? 

Dragged at first. I’d assumed she’d want to talk about coffee, as that’s mainly what we’ve discussed in the past, but apparently it’s not a real interest. So she talked about being from Kosovo and art and some other stuff, I’m hazy on what. Then I told her about work for 50 minutes.

Memorable moments?

Just sitting opposite such a gorgeous vision, her skin so fresh and unlined, her bosoms so noticeably perky, a full 35 years younger than my ex-wife. I was lost in her eyes.

Favourite thing about Sophie? 

Everything about her. Her innocence, her looks, basking in the envy of every other man there. Conversation-wise she doesn’t know a lot about financial instruments.

A capsule description? 

A vision from heaven. But it’s weird that she’s so unknowledgeable about popular culture like Jaws or Radiohead or the 1999 total eclipse. I asked why she’d never seen The Wire she said ‘I think it was before I was born’ which was hilarious. It wasn’t, was it?

Was there a spark? 

Certainly from my side it was incandescent. But now I think about it there were some long silences on hers, broken only by confusingly discouraging statements like ‘There isn’t any way we could ever be in a relationship.’ You’ll have to ask her!

What happened afterwards? 

I was floating on air as I squired her to my vehicle, which she declined to get in and ordered an Uber. No, no kiss but I respect that. I wouldn’t want her being easy like the girls in porn.

What would you change about the evening? 

I think Soph should learn more about adult interests because I got a me-me-me vibe when she was talking. That would be lovely and polite. Also not to object when I call her ‘Soph’.

Will you see each other again?  

I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t want to. She’s the girl of my dreams.

Sophie on Tom

First impression?

Oh, it’s the dad from the coffeeshop. Why’s he here? I thought I was going on a date?

How was conversation? 

Weird if I’m honest. He didn’t say much but was really starey. It was just awkward waiting for his son or grandson or whoever I was dating to turn up. He made some small talk about coffee, as he does, but I explained that’s just my job.

Memorable moments?

For me it was the moment when he ordered not just starters but main courses and champagne and I realised I was actually on a date with someone twice my age. Closer to three times my age than twice my age. I’ll always remember thinking ‘what the fucking fuck?’

Favourite thing about Tom? 

He’s quite gentlemanly, in an old-fashioned sexist, borderline-misogynist way. Also the way he knew nothing and paid no attention to anything I was saying was remarkably freeing. I told him my dad was Tom Holland and he didn’t have a fucking clue.

A capsule description? 

An old man with no interest in me or anything I say who’s decided I will complete his world.

Was there a spark? 

I explained he was far too old for me, didn’t know me, and there was no prospect of a relationship. He replied ‘So we’re just going to see where this leads.’

What happened afterwards? 

I went home, hooked up with a girl on Hinge and we did in two bags of coke watching Euphoria. 

What would you change about the evening? 

I hope this doesn’t hurt him. He seems like an okay guy. I hope he doesn’t in any way try to pursue this as if there were any possibility of a romantic connection.

Will you see each other again?  

I will serve him a latte and avoid his gaze.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Liven up your Easter egg hunt by making every fifth one a scorpion.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters would eventually write Alan Shearer: My Story So Far as well. So don’t go thinking monkeys are all that. 

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

The moon is in Uranus. They’ll piss themselves in A&E when you go to get it removed. It’ll be worse than that time with the ketchup bottle.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Put an NFT of some cheese on a mousetrap and guarantee getting the worst of those little bastards. 

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Working from home has really blurred the boundaries between home and the office. Is this your kitchen table or your desk? Is this a toaster or a filing cabinet? Is that your partner of 15 years or an ancient vending machine with only Kit Kats left? 

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You can buy flowers from a petrol station but not petrol from a florist. Come on florists, stop fucking about and get some unleaded in. 

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Incredible to think that Sir Sean Connery, Sandra Bullock, Daniel Day-Lewis, Buster Keaton, Nancy Sinatra, Harry Belafonte, John Cusack and DMX all got their start on The Bill

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Every meal can be eaten from a bowl if you dare to dream. 

Sagittarius, November 23nd–December 21st

This week you will unexpectedly come into some money. However this is your third fake whiplash claim this month and the Fraud Squad are onto you.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Lady Luck will come knocking on your door. She’s collecting for Ukraine but you’ve already given £10 to another charity and don’t really want to give again, but when you explain this you just sound like a tightarse trying to get out of it. It’s all a bit awkward.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Did you know that being unable to get to sleep is a symptom of needing to wear false teeth at a young age which will be really off-putting to any potential partner? Think about that when you’re lying awake tonight.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

If quiet carriages enforced the death penalty this country would turn itself round pretty sharpish.