SHE’S proudly right-wing and new to Labour. He served 46 years before being defenestrated. Will Natalie Elphicke and Jeremy Corbyn make love or war?
Natalie on Jeremy
First impression?
Oh. It’s everything I’ve ever hated and entered political life to eradicate. Wearing a scruffy jumper and ordering tap water.
How was conversation?
How can a man who was an MP for almost half a century not do small talk? How do you move instantly from whether we order a starter to Venezuelan trade embargos? Did he actually just say ‘of course, what’s inevitable is a return to vanguard Leninism’?
Memorable moments?
He asked how I entered politics. I explained I succeeded my husband. He said it’s a powerful tradition, citing Winnie Mandela and Poland’s Danuta Walesa, asking if he was a political prisoner. I explained Charlie was charged with sexual assault. He coughed and asked if I’d seen Bũnuel’s The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.
Favourite thing about Jeremy?
Often, if you say something that doesn’t fit into his worldview, he’s so taken aback that he just doesn’t speak. I took full advantage of that.
A capsule description?
Retired South American dictator overly keen to engage those digging on adjacent allotments in unwanted conversation.
Was there a spark?
More cold, implacable hatred.
What happened afterwards?
I ordered creme brulee even though he’d explained it wasn’t revolutionary, and we went for a quick f**k up against an alleyway wall. He loves Tory fanny. It’s why he can’t leave parliament.
What would you change about the evening?
That because I’m Labour now and he’s sitting as an independent the power dynamics were all wrong and he couldn’t get an election. ‘It’s factionalism,’ he explained.
Will you see each other again?
The moment’s gone. He’ll never do a woman like he used to do Theresa again.
Jeremy on Natalie
First impression?
Evil, capitalist, part of the carceral state. But nice hair.
How was conversation?
Rather one-sided, since I already know all her political positions, don’t need to hear more drivel from her and instead offered historical context and necessary correction. My throat got dry. And they were stingy with the tap water.
Memorable moments?
For her, yes. As a supposed Labour MP didn’t know the first thing about Maoism, which means you’ve no possibility of understanding the superstructures of colonial oppression we live in today. Though I wish she’d taken more notes.
Favourite thing about Natalie?
None.
A capsule description?
Woman, wrong, likely irredeemable.
Was there a spark?
On her part, yes. Women are drawn to virtue. I believe Jesus – the real one, the teacher, the healer, the socialist – had much the same problem.
What happened afterwards?
Nothing. Whatever the right-wing propaganda machine says.
What would you change about the evening?
Why is she Labour now? And I’m not? What happened to all the old certainties? What if, at some point during my life, I’ve been wrong?
Will you see each other again?
No. I could tell even when she accepted it that she won’t be taking me up on the offer of rhubarb cuttings.
