Mash Blind Date: 'Everyone else in the restaurant seemed disgusted I was dating a fleshlight'

23rd May 2022

PORN fan Tom Booker, 27, meets a fleshlight modelled on the vagina of a legendary star of adult entertainment. Will he find the sexual connection he’s dreamed of?

Tom on the fleshlight

First impression

She looked just as good as she did on the website. I’m so glad I ordered the model with the Barracuda texture. The nine-inch-long canal exceeds my needs but it’s better to have room to spare.

How was the conversation?

A little one-sided seeing as I was the only one who could physically talk. Although I felt like I could open up to her about anything. I told her she was my absolute top pornstar ever and ran through what I most enjoyed about a few classic scenes, and you just can’t do that with a real woman.

Memorable moments?

The looks on people’s faces when I poured her a glass of wine was priceless. Everyone else in the restaurant seemed jealous I was dating a fleshlight. Well, the men did. The women just muttered.

Favourite thing about the fleshlight?

The narrow passage of vibrating bristles which will accommodate my penis if I play my cards right. Also she had excellent table manners.

A capsule description?

A classy night out and a five-star restaurant with a disturbingly lifelike reproduction of my favourite pornstar’s vagina. Excellent table service. The chocolate orange and Grand Marnier truffle cake was a little sickly.

Was there a spark?

There was a spark of power as I inserted nine LR44 alkaline batteries into her vibro sleeve. You don’t want to go mains-operated. Not when you’re putting your dick in it.

What happened afterwards?

I flagged down a taxi and we sped home. We barely made it through the front door before we, well, you know. Afterwards, lying on the hall carpet, panting, I knew I’d found the one.

What would you change about the evening?

Nothing. I definitely wouldn’t exchange her for a real women. The last time I did that I had to throw out £4,000 of porn DVDs that have been a nightmare to get back.

Will you see each other again?

She lives in my sock drawer, which is within arm’s reach of my bed. So yes, definitely. Daily.

Fleshlight on Tom

[whirring noises for nine and a half minutes]

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

22nd May 2022

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

If crabs can only go sideways how do they make love? Handjobs are possible, just, but surely not full penetration.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You spotted 16 Easter eggs in the new Dr Strange movie, but more than 460,000 in Hop. Your move, Marvel.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

What a tangled web we weave when we tell one friend you can’t come out to the pub tonight because you’re tired, and another friend that it’s because you can’t be arsed.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Fruit machines are so named because originally the prizes were fruit. You’d put in a grape and hope to come away with a punnet of strawberries or the jackpot of a nice, ripe rock melon.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

When you have a nosebleed, it’s important to lean your head back. Sorry, forwards. No – back. You know what, just keep it normal level?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

In this hyperconnected, information-rich world there are only two eternal mysteries: who the support is and what time the headline act’s on.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Thank fuck for monkeypox, a disease that actually sounds like a disease. Bring back diseases that sound like they could fuck you up.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Don’t worry about saving holiday time for summer. You’re likely to get laid off soon then you can spend three whole months in Barbados, leaving whenever you want.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Too late you notice the small wooden sign in a cheerfully rustic typeface that says ‘If you didn’t wanna fuck, you shouldna got in the hot tub!’

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Condolences if you lost out in the cryptocurrency crash. But, seeing as cryptocurrency is imaginary, why not simply imagine it’s worth loads?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

You attach a bell to your cat’s collar to stop it killing birds. It’s a 28in cast-iron church bell weighing 400lbs. It’s worked.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You never hear of children being named Edward the Confessor any more.

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