Mash Blind Date: 'Everyone else in the restaurant seemed disgusted I was dating a fleshlight'

PORN fan Tom Booker, 27, meets a fleshlight modelled on the vagina of a legendary star of adult entertainment. Will he find the sexual connection he’s dreamed of? 

Tom on the fleshlight

First impression

She looked just as good as she did on the website. I’m so glad I ordered the model with the Barracuda texture. The nine-inch-long canal exceeds my needs but it’s better to have room to spare.

How was the conversation?

A little one-sided seeing as I was the only one who could physically talk. Although I felt like I could open up to her about anything. I told her she was my absolute top pornstar ever and ran through what I most enjoyed about a few classic scenes, and you just can’t do that with a real woman.

Memorable moments?

The looks on people’s faces when I poured her a glass of wine was priceless. Everyone else in the restaurant seemed jealous I was dating a fleshlight. Well, the men did. The women just muttered.

Favourite thing about the fleshlight?

The narrow passage of vibrating bristles which will accommodate my penis if I play my cards right. Also she had excellent table manners.

A capsule description?

A classy night out and a five-star restaurant with a disturbingly lifelike reproduction of my favourite pornstar’s vagina. Excellent table service. The chocolate orange and Grand Marnier truffle cake was a little sickly.

Was there a spark?

There was a spark of power as I inserted nine LR44 alkaline batteries into her vibro sleeve. You don’t want to go mains-operated. Not when you’re putting your dick in it.

What happened afterwards?

I flagged down a taxi and we sped home. We barely made it through the front door before we, well, you know. Afterwards, lying on the hall carpet, panting, I knew I’d found the one.

What would you change about the evening?

Nothing. I definitely wouldn’t exchange her for a real women. The last time I did that I had to throw out £4,000 of porn DVDs that have been a nightmare to get back.

Will you see each other again?

She lives in my sock drawer, which is within arm’s reach of my bed. So yes, definitely. Daily.

Fleshlight on Tom

[whirring noises for nine and a half minutes]

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