Mash Blind Date: Prince Andrew and the grateful, celebrating nation he'd like to love him again

BRITAIN: riding a wave of beer-soaked nostalgia for our monarch all week. Prince Andrew: ready to be taken back into our hearts. Can it happen? 

Andrew on Britain

First impression?

A nation manifestly frothing over with excitement at the chance to give thanks to the Royal Family, of which I’m a key member. A nation ready to forgive and move on together. A nation gagging for Andy.

How was conversation? 

Marvellous. I spoke, about my military record and achievements, then Britain said something, then I told an amusing story I’d heard off Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, then they spoke again and I had to speak over them. Like any conversation.

Memorable moments?

When I flung off my coat to reveal my full dress uniform and said ‘I am the Duke of York, and you may kneel’. The expression of wide-mouthed delight was worth it. I knew the public still loved me.

Favourite thing about the UK? 

For me, it has to be its tireless adoration of its betters and the opportunities that affords. I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to long, lazy summers on the Royal Yacht. They seemed grateful.

A capsule description? 

The rock on which the beacon of monarchy shines.

What happened afterwards? 

My car came, and I returned to Windsor Castle to tell Mother it had all gone well and to ready a place for me on the balcony next to her. Because Britain loves me again.

What would you change about the evening? 

I wouldn’t have gone to that particular Pizza Express. After all the fuss it’s really rather shabby.

Will you see each other again?  

Indubitably. This very week. I’ll be the one waving.

Britain on Prince Andrew

First impression?

Is that… one of the Royals? Is that Prince f**king Andrew? Why’s he grinning and inviting me to bow? Does he not know what he did?

How was conversation? 

Nightmarish. He just told stories about helicopters and Arab princes and golf courses, all very loudly while not looking at me. Then when I said ‘You should be ashamed of what you did,’ he’d take a breath, ignore me and carry on.

Memorable moments?

When I called him Prince Nonce and he didn’t react.

Favourite thing about Andrew? 

When I had a private word with the waitress and ordered him Diavolo sauce with extra jalapenos. Guess what the bastard did? Sweated.

A capsule description? 

Twat paedo parasite.

Was there a spark? 

It’s soured the whole Jubilee.

What happened afterwards? 

He left without paying.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would not go on a date with a man credibly accused of sex with a trafficked minor. Who even before that was an arsehole.

Will you see each other again?  

Oh, the Queen’ll trot him out. She loves her Andy. And once she’s off his brother will put him in the Tower.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You want a lady in the streets, a freak in the bed and a fully qualified person doing your dental work.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Remember the marvellous occasion of the Diamond Jubilee, where the very heavens themselves demonstrated their feelings about the Queen by pissing it down throughout?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

There’s not a bad bone in your body, except a fascist-leaning left tibia.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You’ve never bothered to find out if you’ve got a peanut allergy. Hardly worth the risk, is it, when on the one hand you could die and on the other you get a peanut?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

The fact that you still have plans this weekend suggests cancel culture actually hasn’t gone far enough.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

It goes: Carry On Doctor, Carry On Camping, Carry On At Your Convenience, Carry On At The Miners’ Strike, Carry On Raving, Carry On 9/11 and Carry On Credit Crunching. The later ones aren’t great.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

‘This would make a lovely wedding venue’, you think, entering one of those massive Tescos on two floors.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

If you put one of those Guylian shells up to your ear you can hear a man called Toby say ‘Oh I shouldn’t… But I will.’

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It must be so hard for the Queen asking ‘What do you do?’ all day, knowing it’s a question that she could never adequately answer.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Surely there’s an opportunity off the back of the true crime boom to write about some made-up crimes. Imagine the possibilities.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Tuna must be livid when they see cans of tuna with ‘dolphin friendly’ on them. One rule for the inspirational meme favourites, another for the humble yellowfin.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

We’ve just seen Piers Morgan squeeze an avocado too hard then put it back.