BRITAIN: riding a wave of beer-soaked nostalgia for our monarch all week. Prince Andrew: ready to be taken back into our hearts. Can it happen?
Andrew on Britain
First impression?
A nation manifestly frothing over with excitement at the chance to give thanks to the Royal Family, of which I’m a key member. A nation ready to forgive and move on together. A nation gagging for Andy.
How was conversation?
Marvellous. I spoke, about my military record and achievements, then Britain said something, then I told an amusing story I’d heard off Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, then they spoke again and I had to speak over them. Like any conversation.
Memorable moments?
When I flung off my coat to reveal my full dress uniform and said ‘I am the Duke of York, and you may kneel’. The expression of wide-mouthed delight was worth it. I knew the public still loved me.
Favourite thing about the UK?
For me, it has to be its tireless adoration of its betters and the opportunities that affords. I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to long, lazy summers on the Royal Yacht. They seemed grateful.
A capsule description?
The rock on which the beacon of monarchy shines.
What happened afterwards?
My car came, and I returned to Windsor Castle to tell Mother it had all gone well and to ready a place for me on the balcony next to her. Because Britain loves me again.
What would you change about the evening?
I wouldn’t have gone to that particular Pizza Express. After all the fuss it’s really rather shabby.
Will you see each other again?
Indubitably. This very week. I’ll be the one waving.
Britain on Prince Andrew
First impression?
Is that… one of the Royals? Is that Prince f**king Andrew? Why’s he grinning and inviting me to bow? Does he not know what he did?
How was conversation?
Nightmarish. He just told stories about helicopters and Arab princes and golf courses, all very loudly while not looking at me. Then when I said ‘You should be ashamed of what you did,’ he’d take a breath, ignore me and carry on.
Memorable moments?
When I called him Prince Nonce and he didn’t react.
Favourite thing about Andrew?
When I had a private word with the waitress and ordered him Diavolo sauce with extra jalapenos. Guess what the bastard did? Sweated.
A capsule description?
Twat paedo parasite.
Was there a spark?
It’s soured the whole Jubilee.
What happened afterwards?
He left without paying.
What would you change about the evening?
I would not go on a date with a man credibly accused of sex with a trafficked minor. Who even before that was an arsehole.
Will you see each other again?
Oh, the Queen’ll trot him out. She loves her Andy. And once she’s off his brother will put him in the Tower.
