Period sex: do you absolutely have to? Are you sure? by the Mash sex columnist

SCARED of a little bit of blood? Not a modern, empowered, body-positive woman like you. You’re not cowed by the fact you’re feeling icky in more ways than one. 

But is it worth the mess? Can passionate lovemaking compensate for a bedspread that looks like passion, crimes of? Will you ever be able to use that towel again?

There are advantages to shagging when the crimson tide is high; above all, the satisfaction of proving what a sexual stalwart you are. Neither booze or sticky weather nor menstrual blood will stand in the way of your orgasms.

Or cramp, or tender tits, or a natural loss of libido during a heavy flow. But you’re up against all those things so the sex had better be pretty fucking good.

The advantages? No need to faff around with lube. Your gal is as wet as wet can be before you get started. Not with desire, because chances are she’s tired and bloated, but imagine what you like as you’re taking your dirty dip. Apart from murder.

And although pregancy’s unlikely, because your body couldn’t be sending a clearer signal that now is not the fucking time, your boyfriend’s still going to want to wear a condom. While, again, trying not to think of hitmen donning latex gloves and murder.

But with every thrust you’re both proving how woke and feminist you are: look at you, boning your way onto the right side of history! Even though you could just hold off, for 48 hours or so, and it could be so much cleaner and more enjoyable!

Because if you’re honest, one of you is worried about seeming gross and the other worried about seeming grossed out. You’re collectively using most of your brain space trying not to worry about the CSI nightmare you’re leaving. The journey to orgasm will be long and bloody.

So you can if you have to, and if you want to, and if you’re showing off about the fact that even heavy flow doesn’t put you off sex. Go for it if you really must. But accept that you won’t do it twice.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Would it kill them to add some of those 1960s Batman onomatopoeia animations to hardcore pornography once in a while?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

They say do one thing every day that scares you, but the ghost train’s not back in town until October.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans. Rugby is a hooligan’s game played by gentlemen. Badminton is a game played by nonces and IT professionals.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Where have all the good men gone? I dunno. Lanzarote?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

It’s a terrible shame Joe Jonas’s marriage has failed because he couldn’t give up on fucking his brothers.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

People say TK Maxx is a lucky dip. But for me, a man with a two-metre torso, one foot two sizes bigger than the other and who eats lavender-scented soap, it’s comfortingly reliable.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You miss telly when there was only four channels. It was easier watching total shit night after night when they didn’t force you to choose it yourself.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

There are fewer serial killers these days because everyone rents. Hard to break down a body in an acid bath when you’ve got a deposit on the line.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’re not allowed to smoke on planes because nobody is allowed to look cooler than the pilot.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Remember that hilarious clip of the elephant taking a dump on Blue Peter? They all chose straws afterwards and John Noakes had to administer a lethal injection. Not so funny now.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Revealed: the chilling codes burglars use to target YOUR house, including ‘that one, it’s big and there’s no car outside’.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

We’re only about 100 days from Christmas and if that doesn’t cheer you up, we’re only a few years from complete global climate meltdown.