SLIGHT nip in the air? Warnings of frost? Then kit yourself out in five grand of outdoor gear best suited for Everest base camp and parade down Thetford high street!
A coat stuffed with down from the most vicious bird on the wetlands walk is, in an ironic reversal that’s so fashion, a dead cert to get you mugged on the underground’s more vibrant and lively lines. That roundel on your left arm’s migrating all the way to eBay, bae!
The classic original with that am-I-behind-that-bloke-from-Coast-who’s-gone-GB-News-oh-no-it’s-a-woman style, it’s basic but brilliant. Should be capable of dealing with Antarctic temperatures and worn on suburban streets in light drizzle over a T-shirt.
The higher, more waterproof and uglier the better. Your statement here is anti-fashion: ‘I don’t follow trends! I wear what’s comfortable and practical, not what tastemakers say I should? What do you mean, Mammut Kento Tour boots aren’t particularly practical for ABC’s Lexicon of Love orchestral tour at Bridgewater Hall? Stop judging me!’
Ugly bobble hat
As Boris Johnson knew when stepping out onto the catwalk of the Covid inquiry, the more obscure the better. But if you can’t source an original Grimsby Town FC hat like Da Boz, shop around; lower-league football, rugby of both stripes or the logo of a prominent brewery wins respect from the bobble massive!
Think SWAT team. Think those endless scenes where squads of men with laser sights enter an abandoned building, muttering ‘On my six’ as the tension builds. Those gloves, but instead of being curled around the trigger of a Heckler & Koch they’re impudently dangling four pints of milk in the queue at Tesco Metro!
Fashion is nothing if it ain’t one-upping, and strapping on these bad boys to walk 15 minutes down the street to a gastropub means you win. Designed to stop water getting into boots during horizontal rain in the Cairngorms, pair them with jeans for an insouciant ‘I don’t know what these are for but fuck it’ feel. Prepared!