Suella Braverman speaks for those who want to see the Channel foaming with blood – that's why the elites despise her

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler

AN English beach, the surf crimson. RAF gunships sinking distant boats. A one-way plane to Rwanda awaiting any survivors. Doesn’t it gladden the heart? 

This is Suella Braverman’s vision. Fortress Britain. Invaders repelled by any means necessary. Machine-gun nests on Southend Pier. Low-level bombing runs on French beaches.

And yet for this, absurdly, she is pilloried by the left-wing elistist Islington media establishment despite having views shared by 99 per cent of British patriots.

When she said, in the Commons, ‘Britain is being invaded. Every man on every boat is a 15-stone Abanian mafioso who intends to turn Sussex into a brothel casino with free PCP for kids,’ I cheered.

Finally common sense. Finally a home secretary, unlike bleeding heart liberal Priti Patel, who understands the scale of the problem.

I looked forward to our next move. Mining the Channel? Sending the Prince of Wales up in an Apache attack helicopter to machine-gun boats until there’s nothing but fragments of plastic and chum for the sharks?

Empower vigilante squads of true-blue voters to summarily execute anyone sighted near their coastline, with full amnesty for any mistakes? Declare the RNLI illegal? Nuke Tirana?

But instead, what happens? Liberal death squads led by Robert Peston and Beth Rigby, jacked up on cocaine and Twitter, empty their metaphorical AK-47s into Braverman. That’s no exaggeration. They already have the severed heads of Boris and Liz on poles.

They accuse her of being racist, when one look at her proves she can’t be. They accuse her of using the wrong words, like that matters when a former Communist pimp has a knife to your throat and is forcing you to perform in his bestial peep-show.

Britain wants these people dead. If that means ending of movement of people or goods to the continent permanently to surround us with a 100ft laser-screen of death, Braverman will do it. That’s what they’re so afraid of.

So ignore the liberal chatter. The Channel will soon, as in Suella’s dreams, be foaming with blood. And we – the sensible, silent, ignored majority – will be the ones spilling it.

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The Dark Knight: the greatest superhero movie ever or bat-bollocks?

BATMAN movies keep coming, ever-darker, ever-ignoring that bats aren’t scary even post-Wuhan. Is 2008’s The Dark Knight the best one ever, or crap? 

Batman’s bullshit

All superheroes are bullshit, but a man from Krypton could conceivably have amazing powers under a yellow sun. We don’t know. We do know that nobody, no matter how great their wealth or how deep their loss, launches an entire bat-branded terror campaign to stop crime, and nobody does that because it wouldn’t work.

It’s by Christopher Nolan

The films of Christopher Nolan are exciting, have a glossy intellectual veneer and don’t add up to much. Go on, name your favourite bit of Interstellar. Exactly. This mid-trilogy Batman raises thorny moral questions about surveillance society and terrorism, then abandons them for ass-kicking.

Yes, Heath Ledger is good

But remember when it was a big deal for a serious actor to stoop to being in a superhero franchise? Weren’t those, two movie Jokers and any fucking number of comic book movies since, happier days? Now even Robert DeNiro’s expected to bring his years of craft and gravitas to the role of Stilt-Man.

Turn the fucking lights on

This movie marks the moment filmmakers decided we’d been spoiled with music and lighting long enough. Post-Dark Knight they switched to glinting darkness soundtracked by lengthy electronic groans, and we’re still there. The most recent Batman film was so murky nobody’s even sure who starred in the bastard.

It’s got Michael Caine in

There are actors who act, and there are actors who gave that up in favour of being themselves whatever the film. Jack Nicholson gave up. Michael Caine gave up long ago. He plays Alfred the butler just as he played Get Carter, Austin Powers’s dad and Captain Colby from Escape To Victory. No film can be truly great if Michael Caine’s in it.

It’s all Batman’s fault

Gotham wasn’t having the best time pre-Batman but it’s been fucked since. His old mentor tried to poison and flood it, the mob funded a lunatic terrorist against him, then his mentor’s mates come back with a neutron bomb. He’s the cause of all of his problems. Commissioner Gordon should shine the Bat-Signal over a pit and shove the prick in.