BRITAIN would be nothing without the potato. Vegan, gluten-free and delicious, spuds are the crispy-yet-fluffy-on-the-inside bricks modern civilisation is built on.
But less than half a century ago, our land was a stranger to this starchy gold. Stories about its arrival are shrouded in myth and rumour, with many claiming that such a blessing could only have been given by God alone.
Historians believe, however, that Sir Walter Raleigh who was the first European to discover that potatoes were bloody delicious. A ship’s log discovered at auction, which it was hoped contained details of his voyages, instead numbered hundreds of pages reflecting on the potato and only the potato.
Extracts read: “The journey to the Americas has not been a happy one. I am of delicate constutution and unsuited to a diet of dried meat and limes. The local spices do not placate me. My soul craves delicious blandness.
“One could only imagine my delight when, in my hour of need, I stumbled across the potato. I mistook it at first for a turnip or swede, the foodstuff of peasants. Little did I know I had been gifted savourless manna from heaven.
“I have postponed our return to Albion until I have assessed the extent of the potato. So far it has been prepared roasted, in a manner so holy I propose from here on they only be consumed on Sundays, to honour the Lord.
“I have a list of experiments: baking, frying, slicing thinly then cooking in a white sauce. Boiling I deduce to be the most dissatisfying form. Unless one were to, perhaps, mash a number together with a powerful Cheese.
“Each time we attempt a new method, the success is beyond imagining. Cutting into pieces resembling beams and frying replicates the ecstasy of Pentecost.
“We must return these pale miracles to the Queen at all costs. The bliss it should bring to the populi will surely cure all of society’s ills. Why would one ever seek malice when one possesses the joy of a hot, or even cold, potato?”
And so, Sir Walter began the tradition of English people being over-enthusiastic about and reliant upon potato products for their diet, and their reluctant to eat anything other than chips when abroad.
Next week: to 1931, when the Coca-Cola Company invents Christmas to boost slumping sales of its product after taking the cocaine out.
