Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Liven up your Easter egg hunt by making every fifth one a scorpion.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters would eventually write Alan Shearer: My Story So Far as well. So don’t go thinking monkeys are all that.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
The moon is in Uranus. They’ll piss themselves in A&E when you go to get it removed. It’ll be worse than that time with the ketchup bottle.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Put an NFT of some cheese on a mousetrap and guarantee getting the worst of those little bastards.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Working from home has really blurred the boundaries between home and the office. Is this your kitchen table or your desk? Is this a toaster or a filing cabinet? Is that your partner of 15 years or an ancient vending machine with only Kit Kats left?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
You can buy flowers from a petrol station but not petrol from a florist. Come on florists, stop fucking about and get some unleaded in.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Incredible to think that Sir Sean Connery, Sandra Bullock, Daniel Day-Lewis, Buster Keaton, Nancy Sinatra, Harry Belafonte, John Cusack and DMX all got their start on The Bill.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Every meal can be eaten from a bowl if you dare to dream.
Sagittarius, November 23nd–December 21st
This week you will unexpectedly come into some money. However this is your third fake whiplash claim this month and the Fraud Squad are onto you.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Lady Luck will come knocking on your door. She’s collecting for Ukraine but you’ve already given £10 to another charity and don’t really want to give again, but when you explain this you just sound like a tightarse trying to get out of it. It’s all a bit awkward.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Did you know that being unable to get to sleep is a symptom of needing to wear false teeth at a young age which will be really off-putting to any potential partner? Think about that when you’re lying awake tonight.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
If quiet carriages enforced the death penalty this country would turn itself round pretty sharpish.