Aries, March 21st–April 19th
The Chancellor will make a special exception and help you out with the cost-of-living crisis, so long as you get ‘Crazy for Kwasi’ tattooed on your right arse cheek.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You didn’t mind all that fuss for the Queen. You’re just not prepared to go through it all again when Rupert Murdoch dies.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Sometimes you weep at how much nicer Britain would be with red squirrels.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
A baby kangaroo is called a Joey. A sarcastic baby kangaroo is called a Chandler.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
God, remember when J.Lo was considered to have a big arse? Before the Arse Wars really started?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Go to one of those restaurants with live lobsters and select around fifteen of them. Now order whatever you want and don’t pay. What the fuck are they going to do, fight you and your lobster legion?
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Sometimes things just fall off the earth, tumble into space and are never seen again. So yeah, I guess that’s what happened with your bike.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Michael Sheen’s inspiring speech to the Welsh football team went viral, but your rant about Bristol Rovers that you filmed while sitting on the toilet hasn’t. It really is a lottery.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
It’s time you started thinking about the bigger picture. Specifically the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
People say rattlesnakes are sneaky but they’re literally the least sneaky snake going. Their whole thing is warning you. It’s in the name.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
To say someone’s as ‘thick as two short planks’ is in itself thick, because the length of a plank is no guide as to its depth, you ignorant bastard.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You’re told by a lover that you’re hung like a donkey! But for you, a blue whale, this is a hurtful insult.