Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

To say sorry for all the lives lost in elderly care homes, Matt Hancock has used his I’m A Celebrity money to buy each of them a mechanical rodeo bull.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Your partner never wants to make love with the lights on but you do, so you’ve compromised with strobes and a smoke machine.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

It’s weird that, post-pandemic, everyone still thinks of going viral as a good thing.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

If carol singers knock on your door, start singing O Come All Ye Faithful so they have to pay money back to you. Two can play at that game, muthafuckers.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Leo is a fire sign. Why would a lion be on fire? What is this, a Russian circus?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Like all Virgos, you are a virgin. No sex for you this week, just a game of Warhammer with your loser Virgo mates Idris Elba, Chris Pine and Cameron Diaz.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s a sad indictment of marriage today when a man has to contact six sexual partners to tell them he’s got chlamydia but not his own wife.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

Bad news – the stars predict a break-in at your home in the small hours of 25 December. Have a baseball bat handy for some brutal vigilante justice.

Sagittarius, November 22rd–December 21st

The Olympics are only two years away. You should learn to swim before it’s too late to win a medal.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,’ said Benjamin Franklin. Sadly your partner disagrees and thinks you should just take the fucking rubbish out now.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

If you don’t celebrate Christmas because you reject consumerism and religion, remember to talk about it 500 times more than anyone talks about Christmas. 

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

At this time of year we should think about those less fortunate than ourselves. Then move on.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Blair bumsucking Qatar and poor victimised racists

WAKING with a start in unfamiliar surroundings, I realise that I am actually in my own bed. A wheelbarrow at the bedside affords some clue as to how I was transported here. 

It had been an excellent day’s filming for the Christmas edition of Songs Of Praise but I have been advised it will be preceded by the warning ‘This programme contains frequent foul language and allusions to acts of bestiality by Our Lord Jesus Christ’. It will now be broadcast in the prime slot of 2.15am, Boxing Day morning. 

I rise, take breakfast and catch up on the periodicals. Former prime minister Tony Blair feels it is ‘not sensible’ to ‘disrespect Qatar, which is a big investor in the UK. He says he visits the country frequently.

Christ’s arsehole on a fucking skewer, is there any fucking regime on this fucking planet so odious you wouldn’t shill for them? With each passing year, as your hair gets stupider, you get cuntier! ‘Sensible’ my mottled arse. It’s money über alles with you, isn’t it? Oh and you don’t make ‘rare’ interventions, you’re doing it all the fucking time!

Lady Hussey has resigned as a royal aide following remarks she made to a black charity leader at a Palace event. The right-wing press have rallied to her defence; Allison Pearson described her stepping down as a ‘tragedy’, while in the Spectator it was opined that she could not be prejudiced, as she had been married to a man with one leg.

A ‘tragedy’? Yeah, let’s not waste words like that on Hillsborough – old white racists called out for racism, there’s your fucking tragedy right there. It doesn’t fucking matter what unusual number of legs Lady Hussey’s husband had, one, three, eight, she’s still out of order. How would Charles have felt if someone had come up, started touching his fucking hair, asked where he was ‘really’ from and not given up until he ‘admitted’ he was basically Greek with a bit of German thrown in?

At PMQs this week, Rishi Sunak was taken to task by Keir Starmer for allowing private schools like Winchester, attended by Sunak, to receive taxpayer’s money. Sunak retorted that to attack Winchester’s tax privileges was ‘an assault on aspiration’.

Joseph’s scrotum torn off in a carpenting accident, what is it with you far-right, mad-eyed pricks and ‘aspiration’? I have come across a great many people who would describe themselves as ‘aspirational’. And they are all twats. All they’re aspiring to is acquiring as much fucking money as possible, giant 200-foot piles of cash they can sit atop like fucking golden goblins, shitting and pissing on the rest of us! We shouldn’t just be fucking taxing them, we should be killing and eating them!

Finally, Morrissey has spoken out on the eve of the release of his new album Bonfire Of Teenagers. He has complained that we are living in a ‘Mary Whitehouse culture’ far too quick to take offence and that ‘diversity is the new conformity’.

There’s the kind of world you live in – one in which everyone says, ‘Yes, Morrissey’, ‘That’s right, Morrissey’, and ‘No, that’s not complete bollocks, Morrissey’. And there’s the world the rest of us live in. Diversity is the new conformity? I know you have some weird fucking hankering for it to be 1963 in Salford where the only black people you see are in comics with fucking bones through their noses, but tough fucking titty! All I can say is if the modern world embitters ageing fucking scumbags like you, it must be doing something right!