Aries, March 21st–April 19th
To say sorry for all the lives lost in elderly care homes, Matt Hancock has used his I’m A Celebrity money to buy each of them a mechanical rodeo bull.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Your partner never wants to make love with the lights on but you do, so you’ve compromised with strobes and a smoke machine.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
It’s weird that, post-pandemic, everyone still thinks of going viral as a good thing.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
If carol singers knock on your door, start singing O Come All Ye Faithful so they have to pay money back to you. Two can play at that game, muthafuckers.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Leo is a fire sign. Why would a lion be on fire? What is this, a Russian circus?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Like all Virgos, you are a virgin. No sex for you this week, just a game of Warhammer with your loser Virgo mates Idris Elba, Chris Pine and Cameron Diaz.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
It’s a sad indictment of marriage today when a man has to contact six sexual partners to tell them he’s got chlamydia but not his own wife.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd
Bad news – the stars predict a break-in at your home in the small hours of 25 December. Have a baseball bat handy for some brutal vigilante justice.
Sagittarius, November 22rd–December 21st
The Olympics are only two years away. You should learn to swim before it’s too late to win a medal.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
‘By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,’ said Benjamin Franklin. Sadly your partner disagrees and thinks you should just take the fucking rubbish out now.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
If you don’t celebrate Christmas because you reject consumerism and religion, remember to talk about it 500 times more than anyone talks about Christmas.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
At this time of year we should think about those less fortunate than ourselves. Then move on.