Australia already knows who won due to the time difference

PEOPLE in Australia already know who won today’s semi-final match because they are nine hours ahead.

The host country has already sat through the Women’s World Cup match and is politely keeping schtum about the score until the final whistle blows for viewers in England.

Aussie Wayne Hayes said: “No spoilers of course but, wow. What a nail-biting game. You’re not going to want to miss it.

“I know how you Poms must feel, all those pre-match nerves simmering away. That’s how we felt while you were fast asleep. Don’t worry though, not a single one of us talked about the game on social media so you’re safe to scroll.

“It’s something to do with the hemispheres, I think. That’s why we celebrate New Year’s a few hours before you as well. Don’t get too jealous though, you should see some of the creepy crawlies we’ve got down here!

“One thing’s for sure, either England or Australia have made history by proceeding to the final against Spain. Regardless of the result, women are the ultimate winners at this year’s tournament.”

He added: “You crash out during the penalties. I’m just f**king with you! Or am I? You’ll have to wait and see.”

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The shittest jokes of the Edinburgh Festival 2023

IT’S that time of year for articles entitled ‘The best jokes of the Edinburgh Festival’. Here standup Martin Bishop talks you through his favourite incredibly laboured gags.

‘Have you ever noticed how birds always shit on your car just after you’ve washed it?’

Martin says: Brilliantly original observation from comedian Jasper Wicks. It’s funny because it’s true. Birds definitely understand the concept of clean cars.

‘I bought some balloons for my son’s birthday, but they were already blown up. Must be all this inflation.’

Martin says: A great topical gag from Josie Snape using the dual meaning of inflation. Literally genius.

‘Cats are like girlfriends. They cost you a lot of money, like tuna and wee sitting down.’

Martin says: Spot-on insight into the battle of the sexes from standup Nick Barbados. 

‘I was really annoyed at entering a tin containing a woodwind instrument. I was incandescant.’

Martin says: Clever wordplay from up-and-coming comedian Amanda Gleason. ‘Incandescent’ is spelt wrong, but she’s definitely not just shoehorned words together into an ultimately meaningless gag. 

‘Who remembers Curly Wurlys?

Martin says: Wonderful retro gag from Lee Morphet, taking audiences down memory lane to the 1980s. They still make Curly Wurlys and have them in most newsagents, so it’s even more relatable.

‘Don’t you just hate it when your boyfriend gets out the animal masks and says it’s furry golden showers night?’

Martin says: Georgina Frith describes a relationship situation every woman can relate to, with toe-curling personal details you wish she’d kept to herself.

‘I lost my virginity last week. Turns out it was down the sofa.’

Martin says: You think you know where this joke from Anil Chandra is going, then it goes there. Brilliant.

‘I thought I was empowered. Then I realised I’d just got a contract with Npower.’

Martin says: Another instant classic from Josie Snape. It’s no wonder she’s tipped for a Perrier.

‘I haven’t got a drink problem. I’ve got a pissing yourself while unconscious problem.’

Martin says: Valentina Adamski tells it like it is. Seriously though, she sounds like a nightmare.

‘My girlfriend says I’m a hit in bed. Turns out I misheard her and she said I’m shit in bed.’

Martin says: Great gag by Marcus Friedman. A classic of the ‘pretending you misheard what someone said to set up a mildly amusing punchline’ genre.

‘What does Madonna sing when she really needs some adhesive? Crazy for Glue.’

Martin says: Another zinger from Edinburgh veteran Bill Penn. So good it could have come from a children’s joke book you’d paid actual money for.

‘A weird thing happened last week. I was watching a 2012 time travel film with a Scouse criminal friend and the Jim Henson puppet Red when Harry Kane failed to score and I noticed some evaporated urine on the floor and the dark-haired one from The Breakfast Club mixed up some water, yeast, sugar and flour while telling me to be quiet. It was a case of looper-scally-fraggle-missed-it-ex-pee-ally-dough-shush.’

Martin says: Classic gag by rising star Pierre Tremblay. Totally worth the effort and every penny of my £396 train fare getting here.