Chelsea 'slathered in mayonnaise'

BRENDAN Rodgers has accused Rafael Benitez of coating his players in garlic mayonnaise. 

After Luis Suarez tucked into defender Ivanovic during yesterday’s match, Liverpool players say their opponents had a distractingly scrumptious odour throughout the game.

Rodgers said: “I spotted a big pot of allioli in the away dressing room at half time and I could hardly shout out my pointless instructions for my stomach rumbling.

“It’s very hard to focus on the match when you just want to tuck your opponents into a nice warm pitta bread with some salad.”

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Hot tub owners pretending it's not a nasty sex pond

MOST hot tub owners are putting up a thin veneer of respectability.

One in ten UK households now has a sex pond, but only a tiny fraction admit they bought theirs because bubbles get them hot.

43-year-old Tom Logan said: “We got a hot tub because of my bad back. I’ve got a slipped disc or something like that.

“Sometimes I get in it with my wife and she rubs my back for about half an hour, it has a therapeutic effect.

“Occasionally other good-looking couples with bad backs come around, and we rub each other’s aching joints in the moonlight while sipping medicinal champagne.

“You might hear us groaning softly with the sensations of soothing pain relief.

“That’s what happens and don’t let my neighbours tell you any different, they’re just jealous, bitter people.”

Fellow sex pond owner Stephen Malley has a more honest approach: “We get in it and fuck. It’s like being a big sexy fish.

“Sometimes the dog jumps in too but we don’t encourage that.”