THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that horse racing is incomprehensible.
Crowds are flocking to the first day of the Cheltenham Festival, where a mixture of maths, rampant Irishness and the fact that all horses look the same will confuse the hell out of them.
25-year-old estate agent Julian Cook said: “The Irish and the posh people are absolutely loving it. Personally, I don’t have a fucking clue what is going on, it’s like being in a busy foreign airport that is weirdly full of horses.
“Three times today I’ve had the concept of ‘Each Way’ explained to me but it still hasn’t sunk in. I’ve got a copy of the Racing Post but it’s just full of numbers.
“I’ve just given £50 to a man in a big coat doing sign language. I’m not even sure he was a bookie, but he looked intimidating.
“I suppose I’d better go and get pissed now.”
Racing tipster Roy Hobbs said: “Actually, no one here understands the event unfolding around them.
“The secret is to shout and cheer when everyone else is doing so.
“At the end of each race, go up to a booth or portakabin waving a bit of paper around. They might give you some cash.”