Cheltenham Festival crowds have absolutely no idea what is going on

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that horse racing is incomprehensible.

Crowds are flocking to the first day of the Cheltenham Festival, where a mixture of maths, rampant Irishness and the fact that all horses look the same will confuse the hell out of them.

25-year-old estate agent Julian Cook said: “The Irish and the posh people are absolutely loving it. Personally, I don’t have a fucking clue what is going on, it’s like being in a busy foreign airport that is weirdly full of horses.

“Three times today I’ve had the concept of ‘Each Way’ explained to me but it still hasn’t sunk in. I’ve got a copy of the Racing Post but it’s just full of numbers.

“I’ve just given £50 to a man in a big coat doing sign language. I’m not even sure he was a bookie, but he looked intimidating.

“I suppose I’d better go and get pissed now.”

Racing tipster Roy Hobbs said: “Actually, no one here understands the event unfolding around them.

“The secret is to shout and cheer when everyone else is doing so.

“At the end of each race, go up to a booth or portakabin waving a bit of paper around. They might give you some cash.”



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Britain's wildlife getting into football hooliganism

BRITISH animals are to start causing trouble at England football fixtures, it has emerged.

Following disturbance at a Swiss match where a pine marten bit a player, Britain’s native mammals were inspired to organise themselves into football firms.

Badger Julian Cook is a member of the Woodland Crew: “Any foreign animals get up in our faces we’ll bite their legs off, and same goes for coppers.

“We’re the most feral creatures in the world.”