BRITAIN’S Wimbledon hopes have been dashed, unless a last-minute replacement for injured Emma Raducanu can be found. Could it be you?
Have you ever played tennis?
A) Not since primary school, where 80 per cent of the time was spent retrieving the ball. But it’s hitting a ball, how hard can it be?
B) Yes. I was a child prodigy who started playing at the age of four. Come at me.
Do you know the rules?
A) Er, get the ball over the net, keep it within the lines, don’t twat the umpire. That’s pretty much it, right?
B) Of course. You don’t win the women’s singles in 2002 if you don’t know that ‘love’ is tennis-speak for ‘zero’.
What is your current world ranking?
A) Christ, no idea. Probably, what, four billionth? Let’s just say I’m a wildcard entry.
B) I forget. Once you’re the only player to accomplish a Career Gold Slam across singles and doubles you stop bothering to keep track.
Do you currently have a sporting injury?
A) Not yet. But I haven’t done any exercise since year 11 PE, so even warming up could kill me.
B) Even if I did, it wouldn’t stop me. I am a formidable tennis-playing machine who’s more likely to injure other people with my 128.6 mph serves.
Can you be in Wimbledon until July 12th?
A) It’s a bit short notice. But with three and a half million in prize money up for grabs, it’s worth pulling a big sickie.
B) I’m already there. I’m playing Maya Joint shortly. Watch and learn, bitches.
Answers
Mostly As: You are grossly underqualified and even attempting to lift a racket could lose you the game. However there’s nothing the British public likes more than cheering on an underdog, so can you get to Centre Court by 1.45pm?
Mostly Bs: You cannot represent Britain at Wimbledon because you are American tennis player Serena Williams. Even if you pass a citizenship test in the next couple of hours you still wouldn’t be able to qualify. Shame, really, we could use a player like you now our only good ones are injured or retired.
