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Cricketer and rugby player get in fight about whose sport is shittest

THE captain of England’s cricket team and a Saracens rugby player came to blows in an argument about whose is the shittest sport, it has emerged. 

England cricket captain Ben Stokes, pace bowler Gus Atkinson and an unnamed Saracens player fought in a nightclub after Stokes asserted his is the least popular and least watched sport in the country.

Witness Nathan Muir, who had never previously heard of anyone involved, said: “The rugby player stood up and said ‘Bollocks mate, rugby’s way less popular.’

“‘I play rugby union, not rugby league. Think one in a hundred people even knows the f**king difference? Not a chance. That’s how shit our sport is.’

“That got Stokes’s back up and he replied ‘Oh yeah? At least yours is enough like football people understand it. Even our fans don’t get the rules of cricket. It’s just an excuse for all-day drinking.’

“The Saracens player said ‘Enough like football? We are f**king football mate! Football where a posh kid picked up the ball and sanitised it for braying arseholes, outcast Northerners and the French. We’re rock-bottom shit!’

“Then they started hitting each other. They weren’t very good at it.”

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Nobody is more excited for the football goal contest than I, come on you Home Nations, by Sir Keir Starmer

By Sir Keir Starmer, prime minister and fan of the Arsenals

JUST like the rest of the country, I can’t wait to see if the football will return to where it came from originally. Let’s hope those jewels remain still gleaming.

Only a cynic would assume I’m relaxing licensing hours for the World Cup to win over voters. That’s as untrue as I’m still prime minister. I’ve actually done it because I love the funny old game of two halves. ‘On my head, son,’ as they say.

Nothing makes me feel more cheery than a ‘striker’ placing a football in an onion bag. And if the forward comes from the United Kingdom, even better. After all, a win for England is a win for Team GB!

You’ll see a different side to me over the next few weeks. The cool, controlled Starmer you know and love will loosen up a bit. Don’t be worried if you spot little Union Jacks flying from my suit pockets or catch me supping a half. Because I contract footie fever.

I’m not just saying this because I’m the prime minister, but I really think Britain can score the most football points and win the league. So long as we stick to the classic forty-two formation and don’t go offside then the victor’s caps are as good as ours.

Imagine how good that would feel. Finally triumphing at soccer after 60 hurt years. I’d award the nation a bank holiday and knight whoever set up the winning kick.

Of course, as every fan knows, it’s the taking part that counts. So if Brazil scores from one of their famous set-piece corner penalties? There’s always another World Cup next year.

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