England fans leave work early to enjoy Scotland loss

ACROSS England fans are leaving work early and settling down by the telly with a few cans to enjoy Scotland’s loss this afternoon. 

Bosses throughout the country have generously allowed employees to leave at lunchtime, and pubs are full of English drinkers getting tanked up in anticipation of a magical two hours.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “The atmosphere. There really is nothing like it.

“To stand side-by-side with your countrymen, supping pints, singing songs, waiting for a feast of shambolic football and glorious schadenfreude. I can’t wait.

“It’s far better than yesterday’s England game. That’s just stressful because we might lose because we’re not actually that good.

“But you don’t need any of that ‘believe’ bollocks with Scotland. Whether you’ve got faith in Robertson fumbling the ball into the path of a Czech attacker or not, it’ll happen.

“My son’s 21 and he’s never seen Scotland exit at the group stage of a major international tournament. This is his first time.”

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Ten new commandments for modern life

EVERYONE’S got Thou Shalt Not Kill by now, and coveting thy neighbour’s ox isn’t what it was. Follow these ten new commandments for modern life: 

Thou shall not wear Crocs, even on weekends.

Email not your employees or colleagues when on well-deserved holidays, nor texteth them in the evening.

Thou shalt use thy indicators when driving for other motorists art not able to gaze into the intent of your soul, knobhead.

Buy thee not the Mail nor the Sun, for loathsome rags are they that doth inspire hatred in their readers for their fellow man. Nor is exempt the Guardian.

Come not together with your fellow man in a Twitter mob, lest you one day be that main character of Twitter.

Honour thy waiters and waitresses, for they doth not deserve to put up with thy bellendery. Yea, and honour them in cash so the chain takes not 20 per cent.

Worship not the false idol of your phone while in the cinema for it distracteth from the movie, nor discourse with thy neighbour, nor munch loudly on sustenance.

Shirk not your responsibility and getteth thy round in at the pub, even if some bastard orders Negronis.

Send not dick pics to anyone unless they specifically requesteth them, which they shall not.

Neverspoons, verily.