Five reasons why Ronaldo's a crap transfer, by supporters of other teams

RONALDO is an absolutely crap transfer for Manchester United who’ve proved what a total desperate mess they are, as fans of other teams explain: 

Steve Malley, Manchester City fan

Ronaldo? We were willing to take a chance on him on a free, as a squad striker for cup games or when Gabriel Jesus needed a rest, but he’s past it. Look at last season with Juventus – won bugger all, and scored a pathetic 36 goals in all competitions. He might get a consolation strike against Norwich.

Norman Steele, Tottenham Hotspur fan

We didn’t even enter the bidding for Ronaldo and that tells you something. It’s purely a commercial move for Man U and it’ll backfire, because he’s too old so kids can’t relate to him so he won’t even sell any shirts. Poor business pure and simple. Prelude to bankruptcy, that is.

Sue Traherne, Chelsea fan

I actually feel sorry for United that they’ve done this. It’s like when middle-aged bald blokes buy sports cars. Solskjær’s only there because of his goal in 1999 and Ronaldo’s only there because of his goal in 2008. A nostalgia signing. Pitiful. It’s a shame to see, and that still counts even if they beat us.

Jordan Gardner, Millwall fan

You don’t want a prancing show-pony, not when you’re a real fan. You want a shaven-headed hard nut who isn’t afraid to take pricks like that out and stand roaring over their broken, vanquished body while the referee gives them a well-deserved red card. Skill’s overrated in the modern game.

Emma Bradford, Norwich fan

My mate down the pub said he was actually offered to us first, because he loves the landscape of the Anglia area, but we turned him down. He’s too arrogant and it damages team spirit. We’d have done worse with him in the side, just like United will. We dodged a bullet by signing Milot Rashica instead.

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Towels don't need washing because you only use them when you're clean, and other Einstein-level hypotheses

HAS it ever occurred to you that something every sane person thinks or does might be completely wrong? Undiscovered genius Tom Logan expounds his revolutionary ideas: 

Towels don’t need washing because you only use them when you’re clean

Think about it. You step out of the shower squeaky-clean, the towel only ever touches your good, clean body, it dries, it’s still clean. It is literally impossible for it to get dirty. Ignore the musty odour, that’s just what concentrated cleanliness smells like.

People should be able to drive whatever speed they want

The German autobahn is the safest road in the world, purely because there are no speed limits. Because drivers aren’t worrying about speed limits they’re free to concentrate on their actual driving, improving it 100 per cent. As long as you’re confident and in control, you should be allowed to drive 90mph in a School Crossing zone.

We don’t need to brush our teeth because people in the old days didn’t

Watch any period drama and you’ll see that people had perfect, lovely teeth. And did they use charcoal toothpaste and a Philips Sonicare? No. It’s all just a racket by the dental industry designed to defraud us of millions every year.

All political parties are equally bad so politics is pointless

As I’m at pains to explain to ‘socialists’, all political parties are as bad as each other so you shouldn’t bother caring. That’s why I always vote for the smallest, stupidest party I can find – not to support them, but just as a clever meta-joke about how pointless everyone’s ideas for bettering society are.

There’s never any money left at the end of the month whatever

It doesn’t matter if you’re careful or you splurge, there’s never any money left the week before you get paid regardless. It just goes, so you might as well spend it while you’ve got it rather than let it trickle away when you’re not looking. Get yourself a treat.