THE only reason Britain isn’t leading the medals table is because we’re not doing the sports we excel at. Here are the events we’d take gold in:
A white van, a two-man team, and 80 pounds of builder’s rubble to dispose of under pressure. Our lads would be speeding off after illegally dumping six sacks of rubbish and a broken fridge-freezer in a lay-by hedgerow before the Chinese team had even parked up.
The 14-pint town centre pub crawl
An event that’s half about planning and half about sheer stamina. The British team would choose their routes carefully, with regular toilet breaks so nobody would be arrested for public urination, before sending their most experienced drinker ahead to the final bar to line up a double round. Team USA could never match that.
Browsing second-hand books
This most quintessentially British of pastimes would see a tough battle between bibliophile nations, with France and Argentina also harbouring hopes. After a silent contest punctuated only with murmured requests to pass by, our team would take the gold medal by paying 50p for a hardback first edition James Bond they can punt for £800 on eBay.
Hanging dogshit in a tree
Competing teams would be tasked with strolling around a local park, picking up their dog’s excrement and knotting it in a plastic bag, then flinging it up a tree without anyone noticing. Points will be awarded on the height and distance of the throw. Guaranteed British gold. The new dressage.
Not saying anything about it
In this harrowing challenge, a pair of athletes are given incredibly bad service in a restaurant but must continue to say that everything is fine. The Americans would be out after three seconds. The Australians would buckle, the Japanese crumble. Only brave Brits wouldn’t complain even when boiling soup is poured onto their laps.