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Football fan talks about his team's 'philosophy' like they're f**king Amnesty International

A FOOTBALL fan acts like his team is a force for moral good rather than a bunch of ruthless mercenaries prepared to bend every rule in order to win.

Tom Logan believes his club is motivated by an ethos and set of values by which everyone could live their best lives, as opposed to venal grasping for fame and money.

He said of the team, who are sponsored by a prominent betting chain: “There are clubs out there who are just superficial glory hunters, prepared to win ugly, with no sense of beauty or soul.

“My guys aren’t like that. To support them means more as the way they play is the fulfilment of a philosophy. Win or lose – and yes, they did lose 14 times in the Premier League this season – their ultimate triumph is that they are true to themselves.

“We are not just a club, we are a family. From the humblest cleaner to our wealthy, faceless CEOs, we are as one. All equal and dedicated to the cause, which is not just success in the Carabao Cup but the banishment of evil and the betterment of humanity.”

He added: “And that whole thing about the billionaire owners having links to the arms trade is just a nasty rumour. Definitely.”

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Five unresolved psychological issues of SUV drivers and how they manifest

DRIVERS of unnecessarily large cars are all hiding crippling insecurity and self-loathing. But what precise flavour of trauma does their dickish behaviour mask? 

Being a bellend on the school run: Not getting enough attention as a child

Not enough hugs as a child? Daddy always working? SUV drivers erase the hurt by parking on yellow lines, blocking drives or stopping on the zigzags near schools. This gets them lots of attention from lots of parents, allowing them to feel like a special little soldier for the rest of the morning. Even if that soldier is someone people want to murder.

Needing a giant car: Abandonment issues

SUV drivers are insecure and therefore need to constantly be at the forefront of everyone’s mind, which is why they bought a car that looks like a military vehicle for driving to Tesco in Windsor. A particularly deep-seated fear of abandonment can lead to adding extra features such as alloy wheels, a cream leather interior or, in very serious cases, bull bars.

Parking across two spaces: Inability to commit

Psychological problems with being tied down manifest in SUV drivers not being able to choose which parking space to use, and deciding to park across two instead. It’s either that, or the fact that the tiny car park round the back of the local shop was not designed for a vehicle better suited to off-roading in the Sahara.

Not saying thank you: Pathological demand avoidance

Don’t like thanking other drivers? In a big car, it’s not necessary. Anyone getting upset with their lack of courtesy can simply be reversed into or watch helplessly as a sweeping three-point turn demolishes their garden wall. SUV drivers can’t be expected to notice anything below 1.5m high, whether structural or human.

Having more than one SUV: Low self-esteem

If one Range Rover isn’t enough to make them feel like a worthy human being, they’ll simply get another. Then they’ll tarmac over their front lawn so they have somewhere to park their fleet of horrible cars. At this point their partner will get sick of them and leave, crushing them to such an extent that they end up buying a monster truck to try and fill the gaping void in their soul.

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