SUDDENLY discovered a deep love of football now that everyone else is into it? Here’s how to be extremely annoying about it.
Pretend you’re an expert on football
Make confident but bland and meaningless statements during matches, eg. ‘Kane needs to break through the defence’ or ‘I don’t think anyone wants it to go to penalties’, as if you are wise old Gandalf explaining Middle Earth to naive little hobbits.
Look like a twat
Others may simply enjoy the footie with a good few pints. Not you. Paint your face so you look like something out of Braveheart, buy a variety of cynically overpriced England tops, and get a massive St George flag for your home, so your neighbours are unsure if you just like football or might be a potential far-right terrorist.
Keep singing that f**king song
Many football followers are a bit weary of the 1996 Baddiel/Skinner/Lightning Seeds dirge, but for you it’s fresh and new. Sing it at every opportunity. It will never become irritating.
Learn a few basic football facts and keep repeating them
It could be that Jack Grealish is considered a promising new talent, or Johan Cruyff was one of the great players. This stuff is the bread and butter of football fan conversations so no one will actually notice it’s quite tedious.
Massively emotionally overreact
Any minor success by England should make you leap out out of your seat screaming ‘COME ON!’ while punching the air. If we lose to Italy, instead of just going home from the pub disappointed, sit there sobbing inconsolably as if you’ve been made redundant, your partner’s left you and your dog’s been run over, all at the same time.
Immediately lose interest
After the brief emotional rollercoaster of England in the Euros, swiftly move onto a totally unrelated pastime, eg. learning to play the clarinet.