How to come down gently off England's win last night

ARE you still dangerously high on England’s latest victory over Denmark? It can’t last, particularly when we play Italy, so here’s how to beat your addiction before it gets out of control. 

Gradually reduce your England consumption

Reduce how much England coverage you watch, and try talking about something other than the Euros. You won’t get the same buzz from droning on about your job or tedious personal problems, but you need to do it before English football takes over your life.

Find a substitute high

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of England actually winning some football for once, but it can’t last forever. Try drinking heavily to recreate the high, or take drugs – the stronger and more illegal the better. If that doesn’t work, become addicted to Wimbledon.

Realise you can’t beat it alone

As with a drink or drug addiction, support is important. Visit a counsellor who really doesn’t give a shit about football, or spend time with a sports-averse friend whose eyes glaze over when you explain why Jordan Pickford is one of the greatest goalkeepers of all time.

Develop other interests

Without England football games there will be a huge hole in your life you need to fill. Start obsessively going to the gym, or get really into something strange like competitive carp fishing or born-again Christianity. If you have a partner they may leave you because you’ve become a weirdo, but that’s the price you have to pay.

Set up England Addicts Anonymous

There are other people out there addicted to England wins, so start a therapy group. Sitting in a circle discussing Gareth Southgate’s best formation changes will make you realise you are not alone.

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How to wear an England shirt like a f**king weirdo, by Boris Johnson

FANCY showing your support for the England team but also want to look like you’ve never dressed yourself before? Prime minister Boris Johnson explains how to do it.

Stand awkwardly like a shop mannequin

If you’re a Tory politician you’ll already be an old hand at standing like a freak. Legs spread wider than your shoulders, you know the drill. Football matches require a different sort of awkwardness though, so blend in with the hoi polloi by putting your hands on your hips with all the grace of a dummy in a New Look window.

Fundamentally misunderstand clothes

To truly look as weird as I did last night you need to misunderstand clothes at a fundamental level. I’ve dedicated my whole life to being baffled by clothing, which is why I always look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and thought that my office clobber was suitable attire for my wedding.

Wear it over your normal clothes

Take a look around you. Is anyone else in a stadium filled with thousands of people wearing their England shirt on top of a shirt and tie? No, because it looks absolutely bloody ridiculous. Even the fans wearing face paint and England themed novelty clown wigs will sneer at your tasteless display of support.

Put it on sort of backwards

Was I wearing it back to front, or does clothing just look inherently weird on my body? It’s hard to tell. The logo was in the right place, and my name was on the back as it should be, but the collar looks too high up. Any normal person would covertly check the label just to be sure, so don’t do that if you’re trying to look like me.

Get one of those personalised shirts

Wearing a shirt with your name on it is a bit twatty even when ordinary people do it, but if you’re the leader of the country it just looks arrogant. Especially if you’ve previously failed to condemn people booing the team you’re apparently supporting. It’s almost as if you’re actually trying to score cheap political points as your party haemorrhages voters.