How to be the kind of England fan that gets a close-up on the telly

ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how: 

Turn on the waterworks

That distraught German girl weeping at her team’s defeat will always be held close to vindictive English hearts. Shed some tears of your own tonight, ideally making your facepaint run, and wait for ITV to zoom in. Get steaming drunk before the game to make emotions easier to articulate.

A sign with a difference

We’ve all seen Premier League fans paint the names of their favourite team onto a big white bedsheet. Why not show your appreciation by painting the name of your local non-league team onto a king-size mattress and take that onto the terrace?

Harass the newscaster.

What would a game be without pre-match interviews with fans? How far have you travelled, what will the score be, how will you face life if we lose, etc. Secure your place in the limelight by grunt-singing ‘it’s coming home’ while mooning the camera. Fame guaranteed.

Be the fat bloke

Quickly gain nine stone and remove your shirt. Time is short, so an intense regime of Gregg’s pasties washed down with whatever beer’s on special at the offy will build a physique that shouts of your patriotic support for athletic prowess.


Once a national pastime, as English as Stonehenge, sarcasm, and John Peel’s Festive Fifty, if the weather permits you should most definitely run onto the pitch naked. The players love it, the fans love it, and you’ll make countless new friends wherever the game’s televised.

Hire an Ed Sheeran lookalike

It’s a mystery why anyone likes Ed Sheeran, and an even bigger mystery why the cameras televise every football game he’s ever attended. Hire an Ed Sheeran lookalike and you’re guaranteed to make the news. If no professional lookalikes are available simply hang around with any ginger.

Be pretty


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How to learn to live with the Conservative party

DESPITE recent defeats in by-elections, the Conservative party isn’t going to magically disappear anytime soon. Here’s how to live with this deadly strain of politics: 

Don’t read the news

Keeping up to date with current affairs is the most common way to be exposed to Tories, so avoid it where possible. Publications such as The Mail and The Telegraph are particularly virulent and are classed as a biohazard. If you come into contact with GB News, call NHS 111.

Maintain distance from Tories

Keeping at least two metres from a Tory means there’s less chance you’ll be infected with their contempt for the poor or their aspiration to renovate a second home. In Conservative hotspots like South Holland and The Deepings you may have to climb a tall building and send up a rescue flare.

Be rich

Financial security will protect you from the main symptoms of the Conservative party, which include hungry schoolchildren and an underfunded health service. Don’t be overconfident and do a big shop at Waitrose. It’s a superspreading viral pump for blue values.

Don’t be foreign

Being non-British is treatable only by being dragged away by immigration in the middle of the night while Priti Patel looks on in wry amusement, so act as if you’re from round here. Even wearing an England shirt at Wetherspoons’ Tuesday Steak Club reduces the likelihood of sideways glances by up to 90 per cent.

Become a Tory

The Conservative party has let rip through the country over the last decade, so long-term you’re better off taking it on the chin and going for herd immunity. Once you have a Union flag in the background of your Zoom call they can no longer hurt you. Will permanently suppress the part of your brain that controls common sense.