ENGLAND are 2-0 down in their semi-final with ten minutes to go, so this could be the last chance to get your face up on everyone’s Ultra HD. Here’s how:
Turn on the waterworks
That distraught German girl weeping at her team’s defeat will always be held close to vindictive English hearts. Shed some tears of your own tonight, ideally making your facepaint run, and wait for ITV to zoom in. Get steaming drunk before the game to make emotions easier to articulate.
A sign with a difference
We’ve all seen Premier League fans paint the names of their favourite team onto a big white bedsheet. Why not show your appreciation by painting the name of your local non-league team onto a king-size mattress and take that onto the terrace?
Harass the newscaster.
What would a game be without pre-match interviews with fans? How far have you travelled, what will the score be, how will you face life if we lose, etc. Secure your place in the limelight by grunt-singing ‘it’s coming home’ while mooning the camera. Fame guaranteed.
Be the fat bloke
Quickly gain nine stone and remove your shirt. Time is short, so an intense regime of Gregg’s pasties washed down with whatever beer’s on special at the offy will build a physique that shouts of your patriotic support for athletic prowess.
Once a national pastime, as English as Stonehenge, sarcasm, and John Peel’s Festive Fifty, if the weather permits you should most definitely run onto the pitch naked. The players love it, the fans love it, and you’ll make countless new friends wherever the game’s televised.
Hire an Ed Sheeran lookalike
It’s a mystery why anyone likes Ed Sheeran, and an even bigger mystery why the cameras televise every football game he’s ever attended. Hire an Ed Sheeran lookalike and you’re guaranteed to make the news. If no professional lookalikes are available simply hang around with any ginger.