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Iggy Pop off his face on drugs, and other celebrities you'd like to see in the crowd at Wimbledon

THE famous people in the crowd at Wimbledon are always incredibly bland and well-behaved. Which ‘edgy’ celebrities would liven things up a bit?

Iggy Pop

Wimbledon is terribly genteel and pleasant, with the hardest mind-altering substance available being a glass of Pimms. Imagine Iggy Pop as he was back in the day, off his tits on a cocktail of heroin, LSD and cocaine, smashing glasses and dripping blood everywhere. He could take over the singsong from Cliff Richard and do a rendition of Lust for Life before getting everyone to shoot up on Centre Court.

Kanye West

There’s a lot about Kanye that would upset the quiet and respectful Wimbledon attendees, but his main problem with being in the crowd would be his dislike of being photographed without his consent. As soon as he spotted himself on the big screen he’d be clambering down the seats and punching out a mild-mannered BBC cameraperson in front of Andy Murray. Also it’s probably against Wimbledon’s dress code to come as Hitler.

Lady Gaga in her meat dress

Princess Kate has been seen in the stands this year wearing a tasteful mint green blazer and pleated skirt. It would be far more interesting to see Lady Gaga decked out in her meat dress chatting happily to Roger Federer. Not so fun for him though, because if it was a hot day she’d stink.

Slipknot

No doubt the nu metal band have lovely personalities, and maybe even enjoy watching a good game of tennis, but if they turned up in their usual attire of all black clothes and horrifically creepy masks, they’d put all the nice Home Counties ladies right off their strawberries. Then they’d freak everyone else out by being incredibly polite and well-spoken when interviewed by Annabel Croft. 

Delia Smith pissed

Delia Smith has got form for livening up sporting events by being shitfaced, like the time she got a microphone and bellowed ‘Let’s be ‘avin’ you!’ at unenthusiastic Norwich supporters during a football match. Ply her with wine and let her loose on Wimbledon, it would do a lot to relieve the tedium.

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Five areas of the UK you'd rather f**ked off than Orkney

ORKNEY is considering becoming a self-governing territory of Norway. But which areas of Britain would you prefer to lose than a quiet little island off Scotland?

Devon

What is the point of Devon? All it does is get in the way of people driving to Cornwall for a lovely holiday with golden sandy beaches and crystal blue water. The only thing of note it’s ever done is establishing the correct order for putting cream and jam on a scone, and even that’s tedious nonsense. On your way, Devon, and take Chris Martin with you.

Northumberland

Ask most people in Britain where Northumberland is and they’ll say it’s an obscure shire Bilbo passes through on his way to the Lonely Mountain. Hardly anyone has been there and those who have come back with miserable tales of bleak beaches and ruined castles. Britain should sack it off and use the space for a giant theme park instead.

The Cotswolds

Apparently the countryside is ‘wonderful’ but if you’ve ever been north of Manchester you’ll know this is a pathetic lie. Chipping Norton in the north-east of the Cotswolds is full of posh bastards and ex-prime ministers, Stroud in the south-west is full of conspiracy theorist hippies and ex-London twats, and everything in between is boring. Get rid.

London

Home of government and parliament, you might think London would be crucial to the UK, but you’d be wrong. The rest of the country would get on much better if they weren’t ordered around by people stupid enough to live somewhere you have to pay £9 for a pint. Remove it, fill the hole with water and turn it into a boating lake.

Isle of Wight

Mostly known for holding a counterculture festival in the late 60s, which has recently been revived and is now sponsored by Barclaycard. What a sell-out. Aside from that, it’s basically a less interesting Guernsey where your granny likes to go on holiday and nobody would miss it if it floated out into the North Atlantic and never came back.

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