Kate celebrates becoming patron of English rugby by shitting in pint glass

THE Duchess of Cambridge has celebrated becoming patron of English rugby by sinking 12 pints, climbing on the bar and dumping into a pint glass. 

Kate has taken over from Prince Harry as figurehead for rugby league and rugby union and immediately set an example by drinking a pint in six seconds, smashing the glass, then burping so long she vomited onto her £995 Holland Cooper trenchcoat.

Rugby player Joe Turner said: “She’s a good lass, Kate. I thought a fancy girl like her wouldn’t want to see Andy’s party trick of firing a ping-pong ball across the car park with his piss, but she was baying for more.

“I was the one who performed the initiation ceremony, and I don’t mind saying I was nervous. You don’t braid a four-foot length of toilet paper and insert it between Royal buttocks every day.

“My hand was shaking as I lit it, but she sank her ale with time to spare and farted the flames out as a final flourish to the cheers of the crowd.

“Then she climbed atop the bar, positioned her pint, squatted and dropped an inch-perfect turd directly in. What a woman. English rugby couldn’t be in better hands.”

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Keir Starmer strangled Geronimo the alpaca, and other lies Boris can say at PMQs

YOU can say what you want in Parliament and they can’t touch you for it, as Boris Johnson proved when calling Labour’s front bench drug addicts. Today’s lies are: 

Keir Starmer strangled Geronimo the alpaca

As former director of public prosecutions, Sir Keir Starmer remains Britain’s official hangman and camelid executioner. Starmer strode into the poor animal’s enclosure, wearing a black hood, and compressed its airways with his leather-gloved hands until dead. Saying this is allowed.

Angela Rayner’s smacked up

Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner seems suspiciously calm in interviews when compared to normal, sensible politicians like Nadine Dorries. Parliamentary privilege means that there’s no issue stating outright that she is on heroin, or adding ‘her accent is proof’.

Keir Starmer actively covered up Jimmy Savile’s crimes

Not only did Starmer not prosecute Savile, he was a co-conspirator, covered up his crimes and tricked poor, helpless innocents like the Queen and Lady Thatcher into friendships with the monster. He should be charged with those crimes. Call me a liar and you’ll be kicked out.

Ed Miliband blocked the Suez Canal

The Evergreen getting stuck ‘accidentally’ was just a little too convenient, wasn’t it? All the work of that ardent anti-capitalist Miliband in a Communist plot to bring world trade to its knees. Hope the Speaker doesn’t issue a stern reprimand in my absence for this.

Keir Starmer is Jeremy Corbyn

F**k it, why not. Starmer is Corbyn and Corbyn is Starmer. And Mao and Stalin and Che Guevara and, of course, Hitler. He forced the Tories to attend Downing Street parties at gunpoint, then killed their families anyway because he’s the Joker. I can say that. Call me a liar about the parties, bitch. I dare you.