THE Duchess of Cambridge has celebrated becoming patron of English rugby by sinking 12 pints, climbing on the bar and dumping into a pint glass.
Kate has taken over from Prince Harry as figurehead for rugby league and rugby union and immediately set an example by drinking a pint in six seconds, smashing the glass, then burping so long she vomited onto her £995 Holland Cooper trenchcoat.
Rugby player Joe Turner said: “She’s a good lass, Kate. I thought a fancy girl like her wouldn’t want to see Andy’s party trick of firing a ping-pong ball across the car park with his piss, but she was baying for more.
“I was the one who performed the initiation ceremony, and I don’t mind saying I was nervous. You don’t braid a four-foot length of toilet paper and insert it between Royal buttocks every day.
“My hand was shaking as I lit it, but she sank her ale with time to spare and farted the flames out as a final flourish to the cheers of the crowd.
“Then she climbed atop the bar, positioned her pint, squatted and dropped an inch-perfect turd directly in. What a woman. English rugby couldn’t be in better hands.”