Lionesses deemed 'too competitive' by woman's mum

A WOMAN regrets mentioning the Women’s World Cup to her mum, who thinks the England players should be less competitive and “more feminine”.

After Emma Bradford praised the Lionesses’ 6-1 win against China, highlighting Lauren James’ two goals and three assists, her mother Mary reminded her it was “this kind of showing off that scares men away”.

Mary continued: “Well it’s not very ladylike, is it? They’re kicking the ball much too hard so they’ve only got themselves to blame if they get hurt. I don’t think it’s healthy for girls to be so fixated on winning all of the time.”

This led her neatly onto asking Emma what happened to “that nice accountant you were seeing” and reminding her that her cousin Barbara is pregnant with twins.

Emma Bradford said: “With Mum there are certain subjects I know to avoid. But she asked if I was seeing anyone so I panicked and changed the subject to football. 

“Then I got her bloody greatest hits. That boring guy Steve I dumped, ‘not getting left on the shelf like an old maid’ and my cousin’s f**king twins.”

Mary denied there was any subtext to the conversation, saying: “It’s about politeness. I just think it would have been nice of those England girls to let the other team have more of a go with the ball. 

“Then maybe they’d show more of their matches on the telly. They should ask Gary Lineker nicely, I’m sure he’d sort it out for them.”

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Three indictments does not feel like enough, says everyone

A MERE three indictments levelled against Donald Trump does not feel like enough to cover all the bullshit he got up to while in power, everyone has agreed.

News of Trump’s plotting to overturn the 2020 election has come as a surprise to no one, but three indictments still seems like a puzzlingly low number considering his numerous assaults on democracy, truth and women.

US citizen Norman Steele said: “I get that each indictment contains separate counts, but even so. Three? Surely the Muslim travel ban should have warranted one of its own.

“He was president for four years. You’d at least expect him to be slapped with an indictment on a weekly basis. There was the ‘bleach cures Covid’ bullshit, the QAnon bullshit, the ‘lock her up’ bullshit, and that’s just scratching the surface.

“I think about 2,000-3,000 indictments would make more sense.

“The 2020 election interference was his last hurrah. It wasn’t like he was a paragon of virtue before then. Is it too late to stick on more indictments? Hopefully they’d speed up the process of putting him in jail because the next presidential race is worryingly close.”

Republican voter Donna Sheridan said: “You’re all just jealous that Trump has got more indictments than every other president in history combined. If you’ve got the most of something that makes you best, right? I am literally this stupid.”