Man's fantasy football team in fantasy legal battle with fantasy corrupt owners

THE performance of a man’s fantasy football team has been severely affected by fantasy lawsuits with the fantasy club’s fantasy owners.

Nathan Muir’s MegaLegends FC were shaping up to make a run for the top four in his office league when it was discovered the club’s owners had sold their ground to a holding company and borrowed £600 million from club funds which they could not repay.

Muir, an insurance agent and the sole real human in the whole affair, said: “Normally the fantasy league’s fun. I spent ages choosing the kit. But then I started getting fantasy final demands.

“Turns out the fantasy owners, a group of successful local fantasy businessmen, had been extracting capital from the club using fantasy offshore vehicles. Millions of theoretical pounds went missing overnight.

“At the last home game, the fantasy supporters held a massive fantasy protest and the unsettled team lost 4-1. Our opponents fantasy bus got bricked. We’re in danger of a fantasy points deduction.

“What hurts most is we’ve lost the faith of the good, honest, entirely imagined fans who pay the club’s wages. They put their fictional hearts and souls into this team and they’ve been, in an entirely make-believe arena, let down.”

He added: “I’m hoping to get bought out by a made-up oil-rich nation. It’d be a dreadful moral stain on my team’s character, but there’s £85 riding on this.”

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22 passive-aggressive things to say to your partner this week

WITH so many rich possibilities for passive-aggression in a relationship you have to be discerning. Here are the top 22 row-starters for the current week:

‘Is the yoghurt out for a reason?’

It’s out because they failed to put it back in the fridge. It’s OK. You’re helping them improve as a human.

‘Are you still OK to give me a lift/vacuum upstairs/rehang the door?’

They have forgotten entirely about their assigned task. They need reminding.

‘Have you seen the scissors?’

What the f**k have you done with the scissors?

‘I don’t mind; you choose something.’

It shouldn’t be too hard for your partner to read your mind about what to watch on TV. Why else do you shag them?

‘What were you thinking about for dinner?’

For when the other person never puts in a minute’s effort or thought. Or even knows what’s in the bloody fridge.

‘Is there a problem with the washing machine?’

To be said while holding a basket of wet washing accusingly.

‘It had been kicking about for ages.’ 

A perfectly reasonable defence when you have chucked something of your partner’s out because it was annoying you.

‘Have you had chance to book your car in?’

To be said just as your partner settles on the sofa with a coffee, so they can’t enjoy it.

‘Alex’s boyfriend has started doing this fasting thing three days a week?’

To nudge your partner to become more like Alex’s boyfrend, who is hot. Or ‘Did you get anywhere with gym membership?’

‘I’m just used to it being a bit thicker / creamier.’

I’m used to my chicken korma tasting nicer and I want to make this known without giving you any grounds for an actual row.

‘What’s your vision for this plant?’

Get rid of the f**king plant. It’s dying anyway.

‘Does this cupboard have a system?’

To be said while staring, brow furrowed in confusion, into a kitchen cupboard as baffling to you as the paintings of Hironymous Bosch.

‘Someone’s moved the scissors.’

There are only two people living in your flat. But still you haven’t directly accused.

‘You might want to be in the other lane.’ 

Your partner, busy driving, will definitely welcome this statement while navigating six-lane traffic.

‘I’m not sure if we need petrol.’

The car is running on fumes. Your partner will need to fill it at their own expense.

‘We don’t usually go this way.’ 

You’re going the wrong way.

‘Is the heating on?’ 

Said while shivering in a giant fleece, this means ‘Put the f**king heating on, do I look like a Dickensian orphan, you tight twat?’

‘Is that cheese in the fridge?’

The olfactory footprint of that cheese has reached the bedroom. Get rid of it. It stinks.

‘Are those boots meant to be there?’

Move the bloody boots.

‘It’s fine, they won’t mind us being five minutes late.’

It is not fine, and I mind.

‘Don’t worry about taking out the bins, I did it before you got up.’

It’s 7am, you’ve just woken up, and you’re already a selfish arsehole.

‘Might you be able to …?’

Do it. Now. Or the relationship is over.