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Scotland already out of World Cup

SCOTLAND have announced they have been knocked out of the World Cup before playing their first game, with fans largely unsurprised.

The team said that, despite being eliminated before their scheduled game against Haiti on Sunday and in fact before the opening game of the tournament, they had achieved more than they ever hoped to and made Scotland proud.

Manager Steve Clarke said: “We wanted to go further, of course we did. I’m not ashamed to admit we dreamed of playing all three of our group games. But it wasn’t to be.

“But that doesn’t take away from the incredible achievement of getting here, bringing so many loyal supporters with us, and showing the world what Scotland is all about! Namely, capitulation in the face of a whisper of opposition.

“We’ve had a brilliant time, it’s an occasion that will go down in Scottish footballing history, and this won’t be the end of it. We’ll build on this and come roaring back! The Tartan Army marches on!”

Fan Bill McKay said: “I’m a little confused by how this even happened, but in my heart I knew it was inevitable. There are no easy games at this level and we simply don’t have the midfield to compete.

“Still, it’s made my love for Scotland burn brighter than ever! All together now: I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more! Scotland the Brave! They’ll never take our freedom!”

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Doctor Who fans free to go back to clubbing and shagging

WITH no new Doctor Who on the horizon, its most loyal fans are free to resume their notoriously hedonistic lifestyles.

The BBC’s decision to put the show on hold means its fanbase can return to the all-night raves and sex parties they enjoyed before they got sidetracked by the 2005 revival.

Whovian Martin Bishop said: “Britain’s nightlife isn’t going to know what’s hit it, now that debauched hellraisers who know their Zarbi from their Zodin are back on the prowl.

“Just because we’ve spent the last 20 years having heated debates about River Song and the Fugitive Doctor on Gallifrey Base doesn’t mean we’ve lost our edge. We’re still just as cool as when the Tenth Doctor killed the gaseous alien parasites in The Family of Blood.

“In fact I’d advise non-fans to stay home for a couple of months. We’ve got a lot of feelings about how The Reality War ended that we need to get out of our system. It’s going to be messy.”

Fellow devotee Tom Booker said: “Remember when lad culture was rampant in the late 1990s and early 2000s? That’s because we weren’t distracted by blurry leaked photos of the new Tardis interior.

“Society’s going back to that until there’s a new series. So lock up your daughters, we’re going to be shagging and boozing like Premier League footballers until the return of the Silurians.”

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