Shattered nation finding what comfort it can in Manchester United defeat

A COUNTRY beset by horrifying news on every front is trying to wrap itself in the warm glow of Manchester United being beaten three-nil by City. 

The loss of a much-loved actor and the war between Israel and Hamas has left desperate Britons with nothing to bring cheer to their hearts except a United defeat that leaves them eighth in the table.

Nathan Muir of Denton said: “Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing to put a smile on your face. Thank God for United.

“They’re always there, always striving to be top four, team loaded with expensive stars, bringing the whole nation joy by buggering it up. Their misery is our fortune.

“It’s disappointing they only lost by three when you consider what’s going on in the world. Given the Gaza situation they owed us more than that, but I suppose it makes the 7-0 loss to Liverpool last March that bit more special.

“When will I stop enjoying it? I speak for millions of football fans when I say I don’t think I will. It was marvellous in the 70s and 80s and it’s marvellous now. Fergie was a blip.”

United fan Steve Malley of Colchester said: “Not being owned by Qatar technically makes us the plucky, valiant underdogs. Not that I’d expect anyone to believe that.”

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Five ways to tell the difference between your landlord and a 17th-century vampire

ONE is a benevolent owner of property asking only a small fee to house you, the other is a soulless undead monster who wants to suck you dry of blood. But which is which?  

Vampires can’t come in unless invited

A vampire cannot cross the threshold of your home unless invited in. Landlords are meant to give you written notice, but it’s their house and who the f**k are you but some parasite scuffing their skirting boards? So when you come home and he’s in the kitchen eating your yoghurt, it at least proves he’s not Dracula.

Vampires use authority to their advantage

The Count wasn’t an idle peasant. He ruled Transylvania, allowing the villagers to live only as his cattle, stealing their daughters with complete impunity. Landlords, by contrast, only have the government, banking sector and decades of favourable housing law on their sides when evicting you for not jetwashing the wheelie bin.

Vampires rule a dynasty going back millennia

To become a vampire, you must be turned by a vampire who wants you to become part of their coven. To be a landlord, all you need is to have inherited property or wealth which allows you to rule an empire of property from your detached mansion on a hill, grinning malevolently as you pull the strings and watch your puppets jerk in response.

Vampires live in wealth while those around them struggle to survive

The children of the night hoard their wealth from their many lifetimes, living in castles surrounded by fine art and golden goblets. Indifferent to suffering, as society crumbles around them they profit from pain. Whereas landlords sometime suffer short-term losses due to rising interest rates until next month when they up your rent.

Vampires can be killed with a stake through the heart

A wooden stake and the scattering of ashes will end a vampire forever. A landlord, however, will look down in dismay at the stake and explain that not only does this mean that you’re losing your deposit, you’ll be charged £450 for a deep clean and a £200 cardiac renewal fee. And they won’t be giving you a reference.