Nicola Adams now eighth hardest woman in Leeds

NICOLA Adams’ historic gold medal win in the Olympic boxing has seen her edge into the top ten of Leeds hardwomen.

The talented flyweight beat the toughest out of half a billion women in China after her trainer used visualisation techniques like imagining the number one seed had spilled her WKD.

Adams will now attempt to break into the Leeds top five with a bout against Pam from The Rose and Bastard in Roundhay, starting with the traditional month-long buildup of telling everybody on her estate that she’s going to get fucking knacked the next time she sees her.

Adams said: “It’s an honour to be spoken of in the same breath as Chapeltown Kath and Mad Bitch Nikki from Kippax.

“Leeds’ hard women are great, they really help me to stay grounded – except of course when they’re trying to pod me in a taxi queue.”

Leeds expert Stephen Malley said: “If she wants to be ranked alongside the greats, Adams needs to work on her clouting people with a stiletto technique, and she’s still got a lot to learn about being dragged screaming into the back of a police van.”

Adams looked well ahead against Ren Cancan throughout the fight and even managed to floor her opponent in the second round, although points were deducted when she followed her onto the canvas and tried unsuccessfully to pull clumps of her hair out with her boxing gloves.

It was great day for the battling women of the British Isles, with Ireland’s Katie Taylor winning her two-hour-long fight that spanned the length of her home town and Wales’ Jade Jones taking gold in the Taekwondo after agreeing to beat up somebody using just her feet for a laugh.

Adams said: “The Olympics has been a great advert for Britain and I think it’s shown the world why British men are often perceived as being quiet and reserved – they’re actually fucking petrified.”



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Olympics inspires UK to watch television

AS the Olympics nears its close, many Britons say the tournament has inspired them to experience more television.

Fuelled by a spectacular British medal tally, it is hoped that the Olympics could trigger a renaissance in television viewing, with millions who were entranced by Team GB exploring the other entertainments the medium has to offer.

A spokesman for the British Television Viewing Council said: “At the start of the Olympics, a lot of people were cynical. Did they want to watch that much television, for a whole fortnight? Wouldn’t they rather be on the internet?

“Soon though they forgot their hang-ups and just got into it. Now they’re ready to discover more television, like Hell’s Kitchen USA, Thelma’s Gypsy Girls and the show where people have funny-shaped warts growing on their genitals.

“We also hope to be doing more work in schools, taking tellies in to show kids and organising daily two-hour viewing periods.”

Olympics fan Roy Hobbs said: “Watching Chris Hoy win gold, I was gripped but this overwhelmed sensation of the brilliance of television. It was a spiritual feeling, almost frightening in its intensity.

“When I was younger I used to watch a lot of telly. Rockford Files, Quincy, the weather. But in recent years I’ve gotten more into games consoles and fiddling with my smartphone.

“What’s great about telly is it gets the whole family together, sitting in rapt attention while perhaps eating some crisps. I want to be able to pass that passion on to my kids.”

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “Whether it’s Usain Bolt taking gold, or Peter Andre buying a new car in an ITV2 documentary, with telly it’s like you’re really there, in the moment.

“Now I’ve got that television feeling, I never want to lose it.”