Adebayor to repay Arsenal by signing for Spurs

TECTONIC striker Emmanuel Adebayor is considering a move to Spurs to cheer up Arsenal fans.

The Togolese perpetual inertia machine left Arsenal as part of Manchester City’s bid to buy every striker in the world in alphabetical order, but wants to thank them for all the years of mooching around the six yard box for 80 grand a week.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “When Bale crosses the ball in the 89th minute of a 0-0 north London derby and, instead of being in the box to head it in, Adebayor is sat next to Redknapp in a woolly hat listening to his stereo, you feel a hatchet will finally be buried.”

“They’ve had very little to cheer about recently at the Emirates, but I think the sight of him curled up like a cat in the centre circle wearing a Spurs shirt will be just the fillip they need.”

Adebayor will undergo a medical before the transfer takes place, with doctors being warned that it is entirely normal for him to have a resting heart rate of 1.4 beats per minute and for his blood to be made primarily from Horlicks.

If the proposed loan deal is completed in time, he could make his debut against Manchester United, leaning against the goal post chatting to de Gea about shoes while his new team mates remonstrate furiously with him.

Adebayor said: “The two managers are discussing a deal but I don’t know an awful lot about it because I’m really sleepy.

“But if it goes ahead it would be great to give something back to the Arsenal fans, even if that something is nine months’ worth of teeth-grindingly infuriating idleness to their biggest rivals.”

 

 

Not enough graduates know about Freudian subtext in 'Alien 3', say employers

TOO many graduates have an insufficient knowledge of the psychosexual elements of the Alien films, industry leaders have warned.

Many employers believe not enough students are taking media studies degrees, leaving the UK lagging dangerously behind other nations in vital areas like being able to discuss The Goonies from an anarcho-dadaist perspective.

Denys Finch-Hatton, deputy chairman of Unilever, said: “Like many British companies, a lot of our business comes directly from media studies.

“Often a customer will ring up, anxious to understand the arcade game Ms Pacman from a contemporary feminist point of view, just because it’s really interesting.

“If whoever answers the phone can’t provide a convincing theory about how the ghosts in the maze represent an innate masculine fear of being sucked back into the mother’s vagina then we could lose their business.

“Too many students are being lured away from valuable subjects like Media Studies, Transgender Lizard Psychology and Kite Worship by more ‘glamorous’ courses like engineering and industrial Chinese.”

Media studies student, Martin Bishop, said: “Sure it’s a hard slog, but I know there’ll always be a job for me if I can convincingly apply queer theory to Thomas the Tank Engine. Well a job in Starbucks, at least.”

He added: “Starbuck is also the name of a character in Battlestar Galactica.

“Bit of media knowledge for you there. You can have that for free.”