EMMANUEL Adebayor has embarked on a cross-country quest to stick his business in the face of every Arsenal fan in the UK.
The Man City striker set off from his Cheshire home on Saturday night and is expected to spend four days shoving his penis through the letterboxes of ex-pat Arsenal fans in the Midlands before basing himself in North London for the rest of the month.
Adebayor said he plans to jump out of doorways in Highbury, Islington and Finsbury Park, grab his victims by the hair and then ram their faces directly into his exposed crotch.
But in order to maintain a high rate of genitally-based offending he will also run into pubs popular with Arsenal fans, stand on a table, take down his trousers and pants and spin round in a circle while thrusting his pelvis.
Arsenal fan Wayne Hayes was visited by Adebayor in the early hours of Monday morning. "I heard a noise and went downstairs to see what looked like a slightly undercooked black pudding sticking through my letterbox.
"I then heard the football boots clattering down the path and someone shouting 'take zat, you silly fooker', so I knew it was him."
He added: "While I retain a strong antipathy towards the rugby coach who took my virginity aged 14, Adebayor now sits proudly atop my sports-based shit-list."
The striker said: "Scoring against ze Arsenal and celebrating so provocatively should make me ze most 'ated man from north of ze Wash since, 'ow you say, Stan Boardman.
"But I will not be 'appy until I 'ave banged my danglers against ze chin of each and every one of zem."