Andy Murray’s Wimbledon run solely to distract people at work

ANDY Murray continues his one-man campaign to make office life more bearable with an afternoon game against Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

The world number two will face off against his French opponent at just the right time to prevent anyone having to do any work after lunch.

Murray said: “I’m planning to make sure that I lose the first or second set against Tsonga so the game goes on for at least three nail-biting hours.

“With a bit of luck I can make it a five-setter and get the nation all the way through to home time without even a cursory glance at their work.”

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “I couldn’t give a shit about tennis, but I intend to spend the whole morning agonising over whether Murray can defuse the threat of Tsonga’s athleticism and continue his dominant form against him.”

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'Who wants to borrow a shitload of money?' asks Bank of England

THE Bank of England has decided now is the ideal time to treat yourself to something expensive to enjoy until it is repossessed. 

Following the Bank’s decision to release £150 billion of credit, it has urged the public to make major purchases now because by next year they will not be able to afford the payments.

Mark Carney said: “The UK economy is almost certainly headed for recession and a major slump in house prices, so the time is right for consumers to spend, spend, spend like there’s no tomorrow.

“This will boost the economy in the short term and give retailers an extra fillip in 2017 when they get their goods back and sell them a second time, so everyone’s a winner.

“You probably won’t have a job next year, so book yourself a holiday now. You deserve it.”

Roy Hobbs, an unemployed glazier in Stourbridge, says: “I think the fiscally responsible thing for me to do is take out a loan to finance my fixed-odds gambling habit.

“I have to remember, this isn’t for me. It’s for Britain.”