Animal Shatters 100m World Record

ANIMAL was yesterday hailed as the fastest Muppet alive after shattering the 100m world record.

The crazy-eyed drummer clocked a time of 9.69 seconds at the Stockholm Grand Prix, slicing three one-hundredths off the record set by Jamaica's Usain Bolt.

Animal's world-beating performance is the best by a drummer this year and confirms their continued ascendancy in the track and field arena.

The 32 year-old Muppet is now looking forward to an Olympic showdown in Beijing with Phil Collins, Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees and Coldplay's Will Champion.

This summer's games will also be the swansong for Neil Peart of Rush who is hoping to defend his pole vault title for the last time.

Wayne Hayes, editor of Athletic Drummer magazine, said: "Drummers have become steadily more successful since Charlie Watts took bronze in the 1968 Olympic triple jump.

"The high point is still the 4×400 relay victory in Montreal by four of the surviving drummers from Black Sabbath."

He added: "Drummers just love to run and skip and jump, and of course these days they take fewer drugs than many of the top athletes."

An ecstatic Animal said last night: "Ah-ha-ha-ha. Eat drums. Eat Drums."

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The Communities Living In Fear Of Global Warming Scientists

MORE than half of all communities in Britain are being terrorised by gangs of global warming scientists, it was claimed last night.

Research shows gangs are assaulting people in broad daylight if they cite references suggesting climate change may be caused by factors unrelated to human activity.

PE teacher Bill McKay, 44, from Sudbury, was attacked in the car park of his local pub after he was overheard telling friends how much he enjoyed Top Gear.

He said: "They told me my contention was erroneous and suggested I was being paid lots of money by General Motors. And then one of them kneed me squarely in the balls."

He added: "A couple of weeks later that George Monbiot came up to me and said that if I didn't stop going on about the prevalence of volcanic emissions in the upper atmosphere he'd give me a peer-reviewed kicking.

"I have no idea what he's talking about."

The Department of the Environment has refused to recognise the problem of global warming violence and stressed the research has already been dismissed by some of the most respected global warming gang leaders in the country.

A spokesman said: "Look, would you just piss off and leave me alone alright?

"If they know I've been talking to you they'll tie me to the back of their Lexus and drag me to an REM concert."