Anyone with opinion on Eden Hazard to be kicked in the ribs

ANYONE pontificating on Eden Hazard will be kicked quite hard in the upper-torso, it has been confirmed.

Less than 48 hours since two cretins clashed in front of millions of dullards, the incident has been subjected to comprehensive buffoon dissection.

In a bid to stop the subject reaching Moronic Tipping Point (MTP) – where a subject becomes self-perpetuatingly stupid – authorities have sanctioned a widescale program of no-fault shoeing.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “First up should be Joey Barton. And I haven’t even checked his twitter feed.”

Officials hope to avoid a repeat of the Suarez Opinion Event of 2011, which took over a year before everyone had made their predictable, ill-considered points and cost the economy more than £3 billion.

The method will also be used on people with opinions about JJ Abrams directing the next Star Wars film.

Hayes said: “This isn’t about stifling the free flow of debate, it’s about not wanting to punch a hole in the side of the universe every time ‘something’ happens.”

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Scientists discover most middle class tattoo

THE most middle class tattoo is the word ‘moustache’ in a speech bubble, coming out of a swallow’s mouth, on the wearer’s finger.

The design has been confirmed as the ultimate mix of modern and heritage trends, indicating that the inked person is playful, enjoys hand-made tapenade and has spent at least £50 in Stow-on-the-Wold.

Dr Nathan Muir explained: “Previously, the tattoo was a useful indicator of impending hospitalisation.

“You were dealing with someone who would knock you unconscious with a bar stool and then use it to anally penetrate you before emptying your pockets and having a go on the fruity.

“Meanwhile, meeting a girl with a tattoo was like getting a free pass to Disneyland. If it was full of skanks.

“But now you pick up a woman with a load of wild tribal designs, just to discover the only thing she’s going to blow is a frangipani tea light.”

Francesca Johnson, a Pilates blogger, said “When I first got my swallow, it was a statement of individuality. Then everyone got one, so I added the moustache detail and it became ironic.

“My Granny always hated it, but now she’s thinking about getting her own as someone told her there’s a pop up tattoo parlour at the Conran Shop.”

She added: “I have complained to Westminster City Council.”