Avram Grant Congratulated On Fantastic Wife

FOOTBALL manager and brothel enthusiast Avram Grant has the world's finest wife, according to a new survey.

Tzofit Grant has won plaudits from married men after supporting her husband's visits to a Thai tug shop and offering to go with him next time and hold the baby oil.

A spokesman for polling company EDBT, said: "As well as being tall, attractive and talented, she obviously goes like Speedy Gonzales bursting for a shit. Eighty-five percent of our respondents wanted to know if she had a sister."

Tzofit is now expected to be crowned Woman of the Year next week, with polling having been formally closed 11 months early.

The spokesman added: "I don't see how any other woman is going to top this, unless Scarlett Johansson goes on an eight-month lesbian odyssey with a camcorder, or Sarah Brown finally does something useful with a pillow while he's sleeping."

Wayne Hayes, a panel beater from Carlisle, said: "My missus finds out I gave the receptionist from work a lift home – a lift, mind you – and I'm humping my hand for a month.

"Tzofit finds out her feller has been getting the banquet for four in a knocking shop and she gently chides him for not inviting her along. I. Am. In. Love."

The Porstmouth manager acknowledged his good fortune, saying: "Despite looking like the arch enemy of Dangermouse, Tzofit still loves me and supports my hobbies. I'd tell you what a great cook she is as well but you'd probably hunt me down and roast me over a campfire."

He added: "One thing I will say is this – that thing your wife only does begrudgingly on your birthday? Every morning before breakfast.

"Happy Days."

 

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Judge Me On The Cleanliness Of Our Kit, Insists Benitez

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez last night called for his team's immaculate kit to be the benchmark for their success.

Brushing aside the club's 2-1 defeat to Lyon, Benitez insisted his squad were now the cleanest and best turned out in the Champion's League.

He said: "When a panel of ordinary housewives assesses the summer freshness of our socks the table will begin to look very different my friends. Oh yes.

"I have it on good authority that Fiorentina do not use fabric softener and their spin cycle is sluggish at best.

"And when Lyon hold their tops up to the kitchen window on a sunny day they simply expose the greyness of their whites."

He added: "While other managers have fallen for the idiotic fantasy of washing everything at 40 degrees, I have pursued a policy of 60 degrees as well as a vigorous pre-wash. That is how you get outstanding results, every time."

Benitez said his team's impressive record would continue on Sunday against Manchester United when increasingly demanding consumers would see for themselves Sir Alex Ferguson's abject failure to remove the stubborn stains from Wayne Rooney's groin.

Liverpool's assistant manager Sammy Lee said: "Don't tell anyone, but I'm going to manage the club in secret from now on."

Elsewhere it was a bad night for British clubs as Rangers were beaten 4-1 after admitting they did not know they were allowed to include a goalkeeper, while Arsenal conceded a late equaliser after forgetting they were playing in their away kit.