Bale scores 85 million goals

GARETH Bale has repaid his new owners Real Madrid by scoring an incredible 85,000,001 goals in his first game for the club.

The player scored 30 million goals in the first half against Villareal, wearing out two goalkeepers and four nets.

He went on to hit the target a further 55 million times in the second half, though one strike was disallowed for offside.

Real president Florentino Perez said: “It would have been utter madness to pay such a high price for a player who scored only once or twice per game, or 30 or 40 times per season.”

Bale plans to spend his £425,000 goalscoring bonus on a 44-acre museum to house his collection of match balls.

Meanwhile, Bale’s teammate Cristiano Ronaldo has negotiated a record new contract which commits him to scoring 288,461 goals a week.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Public demands shops begin Christmas

CONSUMERS have demanded that shops immediately start selling Christmas stuff.

Supermarkets, department stores and the remaining branches of HMV faced angry protests at the weekend from shoppers frustrated at their inability to buy goods featuring pictures of snowmen.

Hotel worker Emma Bradford said: “Look at the calendar, Tesco. Count the days, Debenhams. It’s September the fucking 16th.

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s Christmas.

“You can chuck all the barbecue and back to school shit in a skip for all I care, but I want to see those seasonal aisles fully tinselled by the end of the day or I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

Tom Logan of Northampton agreed: “I was shopping for jeans the other day and I had this empty, desolate feeling, like a shrieking void in my very soul.

“Then I realised it was because I hadn’t heard Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You for more than eight months.”

A spokesman for the National Retail Federation admitted that its members had failed a mince pie-deprived nation: “We have staff working overnight painting snow on top of lettering on biscuit tins to meet consumer demand.

“The British public will be provided with all the festive excuses for grotesque overconsumption that it so desperately needs.”

However electrician Joseph Turner said: “Fuck Christmas. What I want to know is why aren’t there any bloody Creme Eggs in the shops when I want one?”