Beards interfering with play at Euro 2016

UEFA is threatening to bring in emergency beard regulations after a reckless and dangerous outbreak of facial hair growth at Euro 2016.

Offenders include Northern Ireland’s Stuart Dallas and Joe Ledley of Wales, accused of entangling England midfielder Eric Dier in his beard several times in yesterday’s game.

Football commentator Tom Booker said: “These beards are a throwback to the dark days of the 1970s, when footballers were bearded, fans fought pitched battles on the terraces and sharpened Wagon Wheels were thrown at the referee.

“Where does it stop? Portugal’s Raul Meireles could ride onto the pitch on a penny farthing tomorrow, wearing a top hat and accompanied by a white-gloved manservant, and we couldn’t deny we’d been warned.

“UEFA needs to look at bringing in new technology, like the Braun Series 9 electric shaver with SyncroSonic action, to clean up the beautiful game.”

Portugese star Cristiano Ronaldo said: “I back this move fully, and it is not because I am unable to grow a beard because I could if I wanted.

“I could if I wanted.”

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Sonic the Hedgehog mortified as co-workers discover his past

THE moment Sonic The Hedgehog has dreaded finally came yesterday when office colleagues discovered who he used to be. 

Now a senior digital media analyst, the 45-year-old arrived at his London workplace to find a picture of his younger days in the Green Hills Zone on his monitor.

He said: “It was bound to come out eventually, I suppose.

“I mean I’ve changed, physically – the spikes are shorter, I’m more of a dark sapphire than a cobalt blue now, and I’ve put on 12 stone – but it’s still unmistakably me.

“It was the 90s, it was a crazy time, I was taking home literally hundreds of gold rings for a few minutes’ work and don’t talk to me about the chaos emeralds, but that was a long time ago.

“We all have a past, but that’s not who I am any more. Now can we please get back to work?”

Sonic added: “I’m just glad that I’ve been able to move on.

“I bumped into Crash Bandicoot the other day, outside Wood Green tube station, still babbling about breaking back into the business.