Bedside vigil for ball victim Hernandez

A DEVASTATED Manchester United squad have begun a round the clock vigil at bedside of team mate, Javier Hernandez after a football hit his little face.

The players looked on in horror as the ball collided with the Mexican striker at the team’s US training ground. He was airlifted to hospital and examined by ball collision specialists who last night described his condition as ‘very hurty’.

A United spokesman said: “The ball bounced off his head at a very dangerous angle, leaving him frightened and confused.

“He has thrown a heavy bedpan at Michael Carrick and keeps referring to Alex Ferguson as ‘Uncle Jane’.

“We don’t want to crowd him so we’re using a ‘one in one out’ visiting system similar to the one we used in 2006 when Alan Smith lost his leg against Liverpool.”

Consultant, Dr Stephen Malley, said: “He was hit by a Jabulani football, like the ones from last year’s World Cup. For most it would be a bit like walking through a bunch of balloons, but for Hernandez it’s as if he’s been hit in the face with a medicine ball fired out of a cannon. I think all of us would be seeing two Raphael Da Silvas after that.”

A full investigation as to how a football was able to come into proximity with a footballer’s face is already underway.

The United spokesman added: “We’ve also asked people not to bring grapes. To Javier they are like marbles on a stalk.

“And we don’t want him smashing all of his lovely teeth, the poor little soldier.”


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End of internet anonymity to make web even more depressing

INTERNET users will be forced to reveal details of their pathetic lives in a new drive to stop them being ghastly.

Spiralling levels of dickishnes, including vindictive cyber-bullying and posting passive-aggressive quips about Charlie Brooker on the Guardian’s message boards have prompted what is effectively a legal end to online anonymity.

Under new laws, web users and their homes are to be photographed by Google on a weekly basis.

The results will be published online alongside a breakdown of their financial situation and any other pertinent observations from the home visit by Google Room View, such as whether their fridge contains any Rustlers products and the number of soiled tissues littering the bedroom floor.

Technology blogger, Tom Logan, said: “The internet is mostly a rather soul-sapping place but at least you could delude yourself that your fellow monitor addicts have pleasant lives, and go to parties with girls.

“Now we will all see that this is not the case.

“While it’s fairly obvious that the person who describes Emma Watson as being ‘one of the bitches I’m totally gonna bang when I’m famous’ has minimal working knowledge of the human vagina, I still think the miserableness of their crypt-like bedsit will shock.”

Sales manager Nikki Hollis said: “As a fan of internet dating, I like men to think that I spend my days wafting between art house cinemas and quirky markets, riding an antique bike with a wicker basket and jangly bell while looking divine in a vintage dress.

“Truthfully I inhabit a room in Neasden where I mostly watch property programmes in tracksuit bottoms while eating poor quality lasagne with a plastic spoon.

“Will anyone love me for who I really am? Probably not.”