Bloody cyclist going too fast again

A BLOODY cyclist has been going too bloody fast, it has been confirmed.

The Welsh bike freak, who probably thinks he’s sodding Bradley Wiggins, was watched by millions of law-abiding motorists as he reached ridiculous speeds on narrow French roads where there could have been kids or something.

Taxi driver and considerate road user Wayne Hayes said: “All these people think about is bloody bikes. They’ve got no common sense.

“I was shouting at the telly, ‘too fast! too fast!’. And then they only went and gave him a sodding trophy, didn’t they?

“Couldn’t believe my eyes. The daft bastards.”

Hayes added: “I suppose you realise they’re all gay.”

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Self-proclaimed 'perfectionist' very bad at job

A WOMAN claiming to be a ‘perfectionist’ is incapable of performing even the most basic tasks of her job.

Administrator Susan Traherne portrays herself as a tortured workaholic crippled by her impossibly high standards, a description has baffled her colleagues.

Boss Emma Bradford said: “Perfectionist? Fits with always missing deadlines, but not the massively shoddy final product.

“It’s not exactly Franz Kafka burning his masterpieces. Susan can’t finish an email without a serious typo.

“She may believe her biggest weakness is perfectionism, but I’d argue that her biggest weaknesses are her numerous, glaring weaknesses.

“Aim for adequacy, Susan. Let perfect be the goal of those who’ve conquered that.”

Susan Traherne said: “I’d rather do nothing at all than do my job badly. So in the end, I do a mix of both.”