Boat Race kills 27

THE 158th Varsity Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge ended in a shootout which killed nine participants and 18 spectators.

After a tedious start involving a protester in a wetsuit, the Cambridge cox drew a 9mm handgun and opened fire.

The gunshots provoked immediate retaliatory fire from the Oxford boat, killing three rival rowers before the Cambridge crew brought their vessel’s 50mm cannon into play, holing Oxford amidships and wiping out sections of the elite crowd.

The Oxford cox, holding a concussion grenade in each hand, leapt from the bow of his boat toward Cambridge but was cut down by rifle fire in mid-air. However it became clear this was only a diversionary tactic when the Cambridge boat was reduced to matchwood by mortar fire from the bank.

The mortar then misfired, killing its crew and spectators, including a galaxy of famous Cambridge alumni, and leaving the crews to fight hand-to-hand in the muddy water of the Thames.

Four died of knife wounds and drowning before an Oxford rower, clutching the splintered remains of an oar, crossed the finishing line and his university were declared the winners.

Sir Steve Redgrave, commentating on the race for the BBC, said: “What a wonderful showcase for British sport in this Olympic year.

“The pageantry, the tradition, and the savagery of those young men is an example to us all. I rescued a severed arm from the riverbank and will be mounting it in my home.”

Hugh Laurie, a Cambridge rowing ‘Blue’ and the elite star of Stuart Little 2, said he was honoured to be asked to formally execute the surviving members of the losing team on the famous ‘quad’ of Trinity College.


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'I'm shocked, shocked to find that tax avoidance is going on in here!'

CAPTAIN George Osborne has ordered the closure of Rick’s Tax Avoidance Cafe Americain.

The chief of the local gendarmerie said he was ‘appalled to discover that the cafe was a secret den of loopholes where undesirables can exchange tips about offsetting buy-to-let mortgages’.

The cafe, run by mysterious American Rick Blaine, is a popular meeting place for high net worth individuals seeking to escape tax and start a new and better life under a Cayman Islands registered holding company named after their wife’s tiny dog.

Blaine’s background is unknown, with some claiming he was a gun runner for the republicans during the Spanish civil war, while others insist he has been the chief executive of Barclays Bank for the last 14 months.

Captain Osborne said: “Oh, he’s just like any other man, only more so.

“Rick is the kind of man that… well, if I were a woman, I should be in love with Bob… I mean Rick.”

But he stressed that it was his solemn duty to weed-out corruption right up until the point where it was no longer in his interest to do so.

Captain Osborne has built a formidable reputation in Casablanca and is known for his colourful catchphrases including, “round up the usual suspects”, “we’re all in this together” and “what on earth is a ‘cheese and onion slice’?”.

Meanwhile, critics insist the police chief is a frequent guest at Rick’s and also arranges tax cuts for millionaires in exchange for afternoon sex sessions in his office.

And earlier this year he was accused of a ‘gaffe’ after saying he could not decide whether legislation to close tax loopholes had committed suicide or died trying to escape.