BT Sport aims to eradicate football

BT SPORT has bought the rights to the Champions League as part of a plan to eradicate football.

The corporation paid almost £900M to screen the games, because its chief executive wants to depopularise the sport.

BT boss Tom Logan said: “I bloody hate football, and it’s absolutely everywhere. Why can’t people see that cricket’s much better?

“Broadcasting football on our channel is the nearest thing we can get to it not existing. No one will see it, they’ll lose interest and move on to more enlightened pursuits.

“It’s like the old chestnut about a tree falling in a forest and nobody being there to hear it.

“But this time the question is if Ashley Young dives in the penalty area and Michael Owen is commentating on it on a channel nobody subscribes to, did it even happen?”

Once European football has been eliminated BT will buy up the rights to domestic competitions and lower league football.

Vast warehouses will store videotapes of Danny Baker’s enforced chumminess and Steve McManaman looking increasingly like a ham joint in a wig as the game is slowly erased from the public’s memory.

Logan said: “Once we have the rights to the Premier League, people will soon think a ‘Super Sunday’ is one with a cracking roast dinner and maybe a nice walk, rather than when Fulham play Stoke.”

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Employers predict you will work harder for less money

BOSSES across the UK are going to make you work harder so they can buy more things, according to a new survey.

The Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development found that although the economy is growing, employers are not planning to take on new staff because that would involve paying people to do things that you could do if you stayed at your desk until at least 9pm.

A chartered spokesman said: “Instead of taking on more staff, companies are looking to ‘increase productivity’.  And I think we all know that means.

“It means you’re fucked.”

Just one in five companies said they would increase staff numbers and most of those will be accountants who specialise in helping employers avoid tax.

Meanwhile, legal firms are also expected to take on more staff to help employers grind you into the dirt when you take them to a tribunal for trying to kill you.

Martin Bishop, an employer from Stevenage, said: “I have a great team here. They’re dedicated and professional and they all want to contribute as much as they can, especially at weekends.

“I know they would not want me to take on more staff because they understand the harsh realities of globalisation.”

Emma Bradford, one of Mr Bishop’s employees, added: “Keep it up, fuckface. Keep it up.”