Cafe condiments confirmed as best way to explain offside rule

THE offside rule in football is best explained using the condiments in a greasy spoon type cafe, it has been confirmed.

The condiments – usually salt, pepper, squeezy plastic tomato and a bowl of sugar – beat off competition from the contents of a workplace desk and one of those huge iPads they use on Match of the Day.

Football scientist Helen Archer said: “For example, Sergio Aguero is the salt and Phil Jagielka is the vinegar and Leighton Baines is the sugar.

David Silva is the squeezy plastic tomato with ketchup in it, or maybe salsa would be more fitting, but actually no, greasy spoons don’t have salsa.

So, David Silva-tomato wants to play the ball, which is a balled up receipt for the breakfast you’ve ordered, to Sergio Aguero-salt.

The squeezy tomato can’t pass the receipt to the salt if the salt is in front of the vinegar and the sugar and there are no more condiments beyond them, unless the receipt is passed from behind this spilt coffee, which we’ll use as the half way line. Simple as that.”

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “What if the salt is in front of the spilt coffee but not interfering with play?”

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Stella-guzzling arsehole has strong moral stance against drugs

A MAN who regularly gets into fights while drunk would never get involved with dangerous drugs like cannabis, he has announced.

Scaffolding contractor Julian Cook regards drugs as a scourge on society, unlike his favourite recreational activity of getting blackout drunk and hitting people.

Cook said: “I feel sorry for people who need to take drugs instead of just going out and having 10 to 15 pints of strong lager. There must be something seriously missing from their lives.

“I’ve seen what drugs do to people, making them sit around laughing or deciding to dance a lot. They’re just in no fit state to twat someone if they look at you funny in a kebab shop.

“I’d never take drugs because I don’t like being out of control, although admittedly last weekend I woke up in a police cell and had somehow lost my shoes.”

Acquaintance Martin Bishop said: “Julian is a menace to bouncers, cab drivers and chip shop owners, but because he doesn’t take drugs he thinks he’s Jesus.

“The thick bastard actually believes if you have a spliff you’ll hallucinate a giant orange coming to eat you.”