Capello Forced To Choose Between Dreadful And Laughable

ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has admitted he faced a tough choice between dreadful and laughable to partner Wayne Rooney in tonight's Word Cup qualifier against Ukraine

Capello revealed he had been forced to use barn doors and a cow's backside for target practice in a bid to solve this month's least appalling striker dilemma.

He said: "Crouch grazed the barn from six yards out, so he starts. My initial choice was between a drunken baby giraffe and a headless duck. We even considered a Spurs player."

However, when the England coach called Darren Bent to discuss his availability, the Spurs striker ruptured both hamstrings answering the phone, then fell down a flight of stairs onto a pair of rollerskates, before being dragged behind a lorry for several miles and then falling down a manhole.

Capello added: "We're actually missing Emile Heskey. Let that sink in for a moment…"

A win could see England top their group by eight points, but the coach warned: "There are no easy international games any more. Except Andorra. Okay, Kazakhstan too. Christ, there's actually a lot of shit out there, isn't there?"

Ukrainian striker Andriy Voronin said: "Liverpool fans called me a fat Legolas with the pace of an oil tanker in cold treacle but I will show I'm more than a lumbering porn-alike," before taking 20 minutes to storm out of the press conference.

Meanwhile, Michael Owen has vowed to get back into England contention by 'training hard, doing well for my club and then fucking off to America to play in a glorified pub league'.

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Newcastle Opt For Magic Beans

NEWCASTLE United today pinned their hopes on a bag of magic beans bought on the way to market.

The relegation threatened club said the beans had been acquired in exchange for an old cow in a deal worth some beans and a cow.

Newcastle fans were ecstatic at the return of the bag of beans which spent 10 glorious years sitting on the opposition goal line at St James's Park.

The beans will now be thrown out of a window in a last-ditch bid to keep the Magpies in the top flight.

Bill McKay, vice-chairman of the Toon Army supporters club, said: "Why waste money on an experienced manager with a good track record who knows how to get the best out of an unremarkable squad when you can just some chuck some magic beans into the garden and see what happens next?

"After years of disappointment and instability, Newcastle fans can now look forward to a period of beanstalks, stolen geese, thwarted, bread-making giants and an unlimited supply of big, shiny golden eggs."

But Charlie Reeves, football analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "It's a bold move. The only obstacle I can foresee is that while magic beans have been known to work, their success is limited exclusively to children's fairytales.

"The problem is that the Premier League is very real and, unfortunately for Newcastle, a bag of magic beans is not going to work just because they really, really want it to."